The Night I Did Not Pray and How It Changed My Life Forever

11/4/11

I look at life as a journey in which each person has a specific purpose that they fulfill in this world.  This purpose is driven by God and it comes forth in ways that you may miss.  In February 2003 a process unknowingly began in my life.  A process that I would not recognize until after the process had claimed its initial trends.  At the time of this beginning I did not realize to what extent my life would change and to what extent this change would bring upon my life.  A scenario that only God will be able to explain to me when He believes it is time for me to understand the necessary details of this process. 

This process comes only from God and it brings out emotions within me that is hard to contemplate, even though they are inside me.  How do you explain a situation that you know will happen but you have no clue what it is or when it will take place, but because my inner man is stirred.  The process is a burden to pray for something, some place, some situation, somebody, but no details are given, you do not know when, what, or who will be involved; you just know.

It really is not fair for me to be writing about this subject now since I know more about the process than at the time it all began.   But it is a part of my life that I need to write about and place in the open for others to read and know a little more details about my life.

The evening in early February was a typical cold night.  For some reason I could not sleep well.  I kept tossing and turning and really, in general, could not get into a comfortable position.  The bed was fine, nothing unusual going on between Bonnie and I and the hospital was in good shape.  We had plenty of wood for the remaining cold nights and a good vehicle to transport our kids around and we had begun to think about the garden and what we were going to plant.  All seemed normal.

I was lost that evening in wondering why this night was different.  Of course I have had nights where I could not sleep, all of us have experienced this sometime in our lives.  But this night was different in the fact that I felt different inside and yet I really cannot define it.  The reason I could not define it was because I really did not understand what was going on and the change that was occurring.  To be honest, God was keeping me awake and I did not recognize His voice and urging.

After a few hours of getting up and down, going back and forth to my office and waking Bear up, I finally was able to get some relief and doze off to sleep.  I woke up another time to go to the bathroom but went right back to sleep without any problems.  I woke up the next morning and it seemed like all was ok and that I just could not sleep.  I did not feel any different nor was I worried about my lack of sleep.  I tossed it off as a bad sleep night and continued on my normal ways.

I had to go to town for an errand that next morning, I cannot remember exactly what it was for but it since it was cold I had to warm up the van’s engine.  I started the van and came back inside to wait a few minutes, all seemed normal.  After the short wait I hopped into the van and drove away.  I ran my errand and was on the way back to the house when the radio announced the tragedy of the space shuttle Columbia.  I was stunned by this message and since 9/11 was not too far in the distant past I immediately believed that it had been blown up by another attack. 

As the news continued I quickly realized that this incident was not a terrorist attack but a terrible accident that had happened when Columbia was re-entering the earth’s atmosphere.  Details of where it had broken up were coming out and it was now obvious to me that no one would have survived this accident.  At this time a sudden chill went down my back as for some reason a thought was placed into my mind.

This thought was now I understand why I could not sleep last night.  I was being warned about this incident and I had totally missed it.  It was God who was not allowing me to sleep and it was Him wanting me to pray.  I had no clue what was going on at the time and I had no reason to believe that God was trying to get something through my head.  I was totally off when it came to what God wanted from me and this was an eye-opening experience that had just transpired.

If you know me, it takes an illness or very cold temperatures for me to be cold.  I absolutely love the cold weather and my body actually feels better when it is cold.  But the cold chill that went down my spine when I had realized what I had missed is almost indescribable.  It struck me to the core and I became numb for a moment.  I actually said “I just missed God” while I was driving.

I pulled up in the driveway and sat there for a few seconds catching up on the last words of the news bulletin.  I turned off the van and opened the door.  I got out and started to close the door when I heard the back door of the house open.  I closed the van door and walked around to the front of the van.  Bonnie had come out the door and was standing at the screen.  I opened the gate of the yard and while I was closing it told her this “the next time I cannot sleep, please tell me to pray”.

I will never forget the look on Bonnie’s face when I made that statement to her.  She had no idea of what had happened and here I am making a statement like that, in her eyes, for no reason.  I briefly explained to her what had occurred and then began to tell her what God had showed me on the way home.  It was hard to explain to her how this experience happened, but I did my best.

Now the fun began…while I was explain things, or trying to explain things to Bonnie, I realized how dumb I was for not recognizing God’s tugging.  I had been taught for so many years that God wanted a personal relationship with me, how much He loves me, how that He has a plan for my life.  I also knew that when God spoke to people it was in the normal ways that you think or it was in a way that would not be in the way that you expected.  God had spoken to me in His own way and I missed it.  At this time I felt so dumb.  How could I have missed this, I actually thought I knew how to listen for God’s voice.

Then my mind took over.  Why didn’t God come to me in another way or continue to press me to get up.  Questions began to flood my thoughts and I had no answers for them.  The question was raised in my head, the ever popular what if question.  What if I had prayed, would anything have been different, even so that the astronauts might have survived somehow.  What if…what if… these questions pounded my brains for a few moments and I began to feel terrible once again.

I then realized that what God was allowing to happen actually had nothing to do with me.  The event was going to happen no matter what I did and He had everything under His control.  I do not know why this process involved me praying and what it would do if did or didn’t pray.  I do know that for whatever reason Kingdom principals are in play here and God has asked me to provide a service that allows Kingdom to be advanced.

It is still difficult for my finite mind to understand the Kingdom process and activities but I am learning more and more as days go by.  I do know that Kingdom warfare, or spiritual warfare, is a very high stakes war that is begin constantly played out in a realm that we cannot see but involves the human in some manner.  And ironically God chooses other people to help this war along so that His Kingdom is advanced.  THAT is the part I do not understand or comprehend about this entire process.  It was said long ago about me by a man named Loren Fox, that I would be greatly used in God’s Kingdom, I guess now God is beginning to reveal His plan for His Kingdom through me.

So, I continue to do my best to hear what God is saying to me and to continue to pray when I am needed.  I still do not understand why God picks me to pray for certain things and not on a continual basis, I guess has to be that I am human and I do need my rest or peace of mind as well.  All I want is to know God and His ways and means; to serve Him diligently and with an open heart and mind so that I do not miss hearing Him again.  Will I repeat the missing Him process, probably so in some way but I only can attribute that to my humanness.

God changed my heart that night in a unique way all by missing His voice to pray.  When He wakes me, I shall pray.  Why and what for are not my concerns at that moment but I know sometime down my road it will be revealed to me.  In all things God has a purpose and in all things God’s Kingdom demands to be pushed forward and all I desire is to do my part.  I know that God has chosen me for this path because He knows me like no other.  I know that God is in control of my life and in control of all things that I can see and cannot see.  I now know that as these events come to pass it is my responsibility to learn from them and to write about them so that others may also know.

P.S.  God decided to change my heart a bit more 8 months later..