Heart Condition Part VI

Heart Condition Part VI

5/26/12

Bonnie was still unamused at my lightheartedness concerning the situation but it was the only way I knew to make light of the future possibilities which I knew about but really was interested in thinking about them on a constant basis.  She stopped and turned around and returned back into the kitchen and my anxiety level dropped about 50%.  I understood the implications of the moment and I wanted her to know that I was not totally insane and to comfort her in the fact that I too was concerned about my condition; but in the back of my head I continued to ignore the threat of any doctor visit and in my opinion I was fine.

I quietly walked towards the kitchen and kind of peeked my head around the corner in a non confronting manner for I knew that Bonnie would be close by since the sound and smell of eggs frying on the stove filled the air.  I took a quick glimpse at the eggs and then focused my eyes on Bonnie who was standing about two feet from me with a metal spatula in her hand and a look on her face that she was prepared to use the spatula on me instead of the eggs.  I promptly smiled and said something to the effect of “ I can see you are busy so I will come back later” and then slowly backed away and went into the office, all the while Bonnie was stating “good idea” to my back.

The office is not that far from the kitchen in fact you can see what is going on in the kitchen from where the office chair usually was placed.  In a moderate and calm voice I said to Bonnie that I was concerned about my health as well in which I received no immediate response.  However, a few seconds later she appeared at the office door, with the spatula still in her hand, and asked me “what did you say?”  I knew good and well that she heard me but I was in no position to argue so I repeated myself.  After I made the statement the turned around and walked back into the kitchen.  I sat in my chair and debated if I should go into the kitchen and continue the subject matter, I thought against it and let the moment pass along.

Bonnie approached the office doorway a few moments later and announced that “breakfast was ready hardhead”. I had no idea of to whom she was referring but I reluctantly got up from my chair and went to the office doorway and looked both ways before I walked out into the path of other Bishop family members.  I had to keep in mind that even though the girls really did not understand what was going on they still knew that mom was not happy with dad and that it was dad’s fault that mom was upset so I had to watch my back from all parties within the house.

We all sat down at the table and I immediately tried to lighten the mood by asking if we were going to do anything that day, hoping that the girls would suggest to go up in the mountains or go somewhere out of the house.  Not much was said verbally but all of the eyes on me told me that not many people were interested in what I had to say so I took the hands on either side of me and bowed my head and listened to one of the girls pray over breakfast.  Not much was said for a while since everyone eventually had food in their mouths.  Breakfast went by pretty quickly and the girls cleaned up after themselves and asked if they could go out and play.  I wanted so much to tell them “no” since that would mean that I would be left alone with Bonnie which would mean more questions that I did not want to answer.  But I said no problem and off they went to get dressed so that they could go outside.

Not much else was discussed between Bonnie and I since we had mutually agreed that we would not do much that day and just stay in town and get some errands completed.  Before I got up from the table bonnie asked me how I was feeling ever since I had been up and eaten and I really had no pain in my body but I was just tired and felt like I had no energy.  I had the quick thought of more coffee could help so I continued my motion of getting up from the table and I walked over to the coffee pot.  That was when I received the sarcastic question of “you think more coffee is going to help?”  In which I promptly and sarcastically replied “yep”.

As I started out of the kitchen the girls ran by me with Bear trailing them all headed outside.  Bear was not moving as quickly as the girls were but his intentions were very clear so they had to hold the door for him as he waddled out.  The door closed normally for the girls’ actions and I continued my course towards the office.  As I sat back down in my chair my mind began to wonder about the possibility of me having a heart attack.  This is when my mind took over and a very dangerous thought came into my head that I grabbed a hold of and held onto it as long as I possibly could.

I sat in my chair and I thought that if I had a heart attack that there would be no way that I could have a major one since it would be my first one.  This was the idea that was the dangerous one and at the time I thought of it I actually accepted the fact that this would probably be the way things would occur if it were to happen.  Now, this was totally absurd thinking on my part and I knew it but brushed it aside and it not logical for anyone to think about a major issue in their life.  I knew this from being in the medical field, reading many articles on the subject and seeing many people dying from this scene in the past.  But placing myself in a younger age category would save me from a disastrous scenario and if I had a heart attack that I would recover from it with no problems.  At this time I had no idea of my medical history in which if I had known it, being the person that I am would have not done anything differently.

The ironic portion of this time setting was that I had been involved in witnessing a few horrendous trauma situations at the hospital and some of these traumas involved young people and some not even out of high school.  So even though I sat there and believed that nothing serious would come about from a personal and possible heart attack, I was actually placing myself into the same category of thought that these dead kids had in their heads the minute that they walked out of their houses for the last time.  My pride stance was bigger and more influential than ever and I was not about to let that part of me, the truth, be portrayed.

At this point I am going to interject a concept here before I move on to the next event of the day.  Most of the young people in the world have a notion of believing that nothing serious will ever happen to them.  This is a feeling that all people have in one point in their lives but it is dominant in the younger mindset. It does not have to be a isolated to the western culture either, I have read about this demeanor in young people throughout the world and it will not change, it is actually a part of human nature to believe this concept and up to a point it is a good character to have since it allows for the human to accomplish many things; however, when this belief becomes the center piece of a human it becomes dangerous since it takes off the blinders or governors and entices the person to think that they can do anything without any physical consequence occurring.  We also must keep in mind that these consequences may not directly affect ourselves but our actions may have grave consequences on another person’s life, up to and including death.

It is very important that each one of us knows that we are not guaranteed tomorrow on this earth and for all we know we may only have a few minutes remaining.  We all must remember that our lives are not infallible and that we make decisions on a continual basis that will affect our lives for the rest of our lives.  That is why it is so important that we understand that God loves us and wants us to know Him in every way possible and that if anything should happen to us that we would be prepared to meet Him.  Restore your faith, belief and trust in God and He will show you the way back to your roots.  He will lighten your load and free your heart to resume the spiritual communication lines with Him.

I kept this philosophy quiet within the confines of my head because if I would have told anyone about it they would have came unglued.  It was a preposterous idea and should have been immediately discarded from my thinking based on my medical knowledge alone.  But I continued with it and then continued my daily computer searching all the while inside my body a huge clump of junk was gathering in one of my main arteries and just about ready to get to a large enough size that the entire artery would be plugged.  The human body cannot feel a potentially damaging substance that is going to adversely affect their body until the object has already been placed where the damage will be done, it is a function of the body that is most fascinating but of no help right before the event occurs.

DLB

Part VII to follow….