Heart Condition Part IX

Heart Condition Part IX

6/6/12

I am on part nine (IX) of this story and I have not even arrived to the meat of the story as of yet.  My mother asked me the other night about the details of this message and she found it fascinating of the specificity of things about something that happened almost ten years ago.  I told her that it was like I was reliving the event somehow and that it is actually scary to me in many ways but even though I have had these notes written down for a while, for some reason God told me to begin writing the story now.  He knows why and to whom this story is for and I am not going to argue with Him.  I have found out that God really does not care about time and that He will wake a person up at any point and time of the night or drop a message in a person’s head with the same time restraints during the day.  I also know that when He does pick the time give me things to write about, the subject is always clear and to the point and it is my head until I write it down which I cannot delay too much for I am human and might not remember it, which the enemy enjoys to enhance that effort.

I followed my usual routine while trying to fall asleep, by tossing and turning for a good twenty or thirty seconds and then my eyes shut and I was out for the count.  I slept wonderfully that evening and as soon as I woke up the next morning I could tell that I had rested well.  I quickly took a general survey of my health and realized that I had no pain in my body.  I then took a deep breath and had no pain in my chest of any magnitude while I was holding the air inside my lungs.  I let out the air in a long and steady release all the while still trying to find a kink somewhere in my pain free chest.  The sound of me breathing deeply woke Bonnie up in which she immediately turned over and took a long hard glance at me and then asked the inevitable first “how are you feeling” question of the day.

After I had let out of the air in my lungs I laid still for a few moments just making sure of the pain level before I answered her question.  I did not move my torso but I swiftly swung my head towards her direction and said that I had no pain and that I was feeling good, and that I had no pain and I had a full night’s sleep.  I received in return the “I am not convinced” look from Bonnie but she did not say anything for we were then interrupted by a young girl wanting to know when we were going to leave for church.  We said that it would be our usual time and for her to go get something to wear which was immediately followed with a statement that was almost incoherent as she turned and ran out of the room; all we could translate was that she needed help.

Bonnie got out of the bed and Bear was waiting at the foot of the bed wanting to have the opportunity to complete his morning business routine.  As Bonnie began to get out of the bed Bear took off towards the bedroom door and hallway, he meant business when it was time to do his business.  Bonnie told Rachel that she would be in there in a few minutes and continued towards the living room and with the sounds of Bear paw tracks one could tell that Bear had already reached the back door.  I continued to lay in the bed wondering what the day would bring but I did not move much cause I wanted to savor this no pain feeling for a long as I could; I was still hoping that it was a muscular issue.  The back door opened and the screen door made its usual metal on concrete sound as it drug open.  It made the same sound as Bonnie closed it and then the back door closed right afterwards.  Bonnie stopped in the hallway and folded the staircase that I had left down from the night before and then went to Tatem’s bedroom by way of the kitchen.

I heard Bonnie and Tatem talking but really could not recognize any words but I knew that Bonnie was talking to her and letting her know what time it was and if she wanted the bathroom first that she needed to get a move on.  I on the other hand had still not moved but soon realized that if I did not move or get out of bed that when Bonnie came back into the room she would see me in the same position and begin the inquisition session once again.  The time had come for reality to hit the ground so I pushed the covers aside and swung my feet out of the bed and my body shot up just as Bonnie veered around the corner.  As my feet touched the carpet I immediately took another deep breath and realized that I still had no pain in my chest and that I felt wonderful.  I jumped off the side of the bed and stood up and stretched for what seemed a minute.  When I completed the stretch Bonnie asked if I was ok and I could say yes without lying still.

I turned to her and asked if she was still interested in going up in the mountains after church and she said that it all depended upon how I was feeling, and at that point I was figuring that I would not have any problems that would hinder us from completing this venture.  Bonnie did not want to inform the girls of the possible mountain trip since to have their hopes dashed when the plans might have to be changed into a hospital trip, and that was basically how she put it. J  I got the point and tried to ignore the grinding of her teeth as she spoke those words and made my way towards the bathroom to take my shower.

Nothing really happened other than the normal weaving in and out of the bathroom taking turns in between each girl parading into the throne room to make sure that their appearance was tip top shape.  I had learned very quickly in the marriage of my place in line when it came to the bathroom and that there would be advancement up that chain so I dared not to buck the system.  Plus, being the only male in the house I didn’t have a prayer anyway when it came to the bathroom.  After all of the girls had completed their bathroom duties it was my turn to have my two minutes at the sink before the last wave of face and hair checks began.  Everyone looked splendid as usual and all of us began to filter towards the back door. 

Bear was let in and then the girls gave him a hug as they scampered out the door and went over by the gate.  Tatem and Bonnie were having a general conversation as the older portion of he family went out the door.  I hit the automatic unlock button on the van and the girls tried to open the sliding door.  Bonnie did not want the girls to get their dresses dirty so she let them know, in her own tone, for them to be careful.  I locked the back door and shut behind me and then in the same motion grabbed the screen door and closed it while I was turning around.  Tatem had reached the van and was beginning to assist the little girls into the van trying not to get them dirty, she did a wonderful job.

I opened the passenger van door and allowed Bonnie to get into the seat.  Looking down to make sure her skirt was not going to get closed into the door I closed the van door as she was in the process of getting on her seat belt.  I walked around the front of the van and took a quick glimpse at the Grand Mesa, the majority of the colors of the trees were gone but I thought that it would be a great idea for us to go up and see what was remaining.  I opened up the door and got into the drivers chair.  I looked at Bonnie and she asked how I was feeling and I said that I was fine.  For the first time in a couple of days Bonnie said that I looked better when she looked at me, so I took that as another positive sign and then I placed the key into the ignition.

As the van engine started Tatem was still trying to get the girls settled in their seats so Bonnie and I took the opportunity to make the final decision about the mountain trip.  I reiterated that I was fine and that it would be fun for all of us to make the trip and how good it would be to get out of the house for a while since we had spent so much time in the garden for the past few months.  Bonnie agreed but I could still sense the hesitancy in her voice as she agreed that it would be a good idea as well.  She turned and then made the general question to the girls if they would like to go to the mountains after church?  Rebekkah immediately asked where would we eat lunch and Rachel placed a huge grin on her face while nodding her head and of course Tatem had no problems with it either.  The mood of the van electrified with the excitement from the girls and final planning went on while the van had its few moments of warming up before heading to church.

I am not going to dwell on the church issues right at this moment.  At this time mom and dad had retired and dad, dad had his double knee surgery and stroke immediately afterwards and my interrupted sleep patterns by God had begun.  I had no clue during this time that God was about to change my life in many ways, and in ways that I would never dreamt about.  I am not going to go into the details of our struggles with our church because it really does not have its place in this part of the story; in other parts of the story it will be relevant but not at this juncture.  I will say that Bonnie continued to have her doubts about my pain level during church but I could honestly say once again that I was pain free.

So, at this time I am going to skip over the part concerning the church service and say that it was a good service and everyone was ok and ready to get towards the mountains as soon as possible.  We had to make a quick stop at the grocery store to get a few things for the trip, you know, snacky stuff. J  Up until this point I had no pain and I was feeling like my old self again, my energy level had returned and I had no problems breathing at all.  I had thought that my troubles had left me for good.

The stop at the grocery store took only a few minutes.  It is amazing how cooperative kids are in a grocery store when they want to go someplace else they actually want to go to.  There are many stories I could tell of the adventures at the grocery store with my two little ones, both good stories and bad stories.  All of the items were picked up without a fuss and off to the checkout counter we went.  It did not take too long before we were all back in the van and pulling out of the parking lot headed towards the house.  Bonnie began to tell the girls what they had to wear which dulled the excitement for a moment but the girls did not think about the fact that it would be colder up there at 10,000 feet.  All of the clothes wearing categories had been made before we reached the house.  When we pulled into the side yard Bonnie asked me to stay in the van for a second and I knew that I was going to have to answer some questions.  I quickly turned to Tatem and begged her to stay in the van but Bonnie put an end to that idea before I could finish the plea.  I gave the house keys to Tatem and she got out of the van, turned and shut the sliding door and walked towards the house.

Before Bonnie could get the first question out I said yes I was fine and that I had no reservations about going up to the mountains.  I also said that I would immediately tell her if I had any pain and that if when we arrived up top and I felt unusual in any way that I would inform her of this as well.  She did not say much as she turned and opened the door on her side and stepped down to the ground.  I did the same and we both headed to the house after the van doors had been closed.

DLB

Part X to follow….

Heart Condition Part VIII

Heart Condition Part VIII

Before I dive into this segment of my heart attack I want to see if you are recognizing a pattern that I followed while this process was occurring inside of my chest.  My heart was not telling me or showing me the normal symptoms that a heart should demonstrate when something is about to happen.  My symptoms were unique and were not following these established normal pains.  I continued to ignore them and did my own way and believed that they would go away.

How many times have we heard God calling to our hearts and us ignoring the words that He is saying?  God calls us to return to Him in His own unique way that is very specific to our lives.  We have heard many stories of people coming back to God and how elaborate they are but not all stories are like this some are simple and quiet.  Listen to God and return to Him before He has to takes a further step in order to get your attention.  This is the purpose of this message and a part of my life that I am sharing so that others might get the hint from God before something drastic happens in their lives.  Now, on with the story J

As the afternoon drug into the evening, dinnertime approached as I continued to sit on the couch not doing much of anything.  Bonnie peeked around the corner of the kitchen and asked if I was ok and I could honestly say that I was since all of the uneasiness had left.  My mind jumped on this box and began to run with the idea that it was the office chair and that the position it was putting in was just not right for whatever was going on inside my chest.  Well…duh, but since I was no longer in pain and I was sitting on the soft couch I was sticking to my theory until something else occurred. 

I looked at my watch and noticed that it was approaching the time that a football game was to be on, a SEC football game on Saturday evening would hit the spot.  Watching sports on a Saturday evening became a ritual at our house, so much of one that sometimes we even ate dinner in front of the television depending upon who was playing.  Dinner was of the norm, which we disposed of quite methodically.  I do not believe that I can ever remember of a bad meal that Bonnie cooked so even though I do not remember much about the meal I definitely know it was good.

After dinner was completed Bonnie and I sat in front of the television and began to watch the game and while I was watching this game all pain within my chest seemed to disappear, or at least I did not think about the pain or my state of health but I sat there and enjoyed the action.  At one point Bonnie asked me if I was feeling ok and I had to stop and think about it for a second.  I stood up and stood there in that one spot for a moment and then took a quick evaluation of bodily pain and I had none.  I relayed this information to Bonnie and then went into the bathroom for a bit.  When I came out the game was back on and I sat down once again and continued to watch the game.

After the game was over I thought about watching another PAC 10 game but decided to go into the office instead for some more computer time.  I got back on the net and began surfing the football scores of the day.  Some of my favorite teams won and some of them lost which was the story for most of the past years of being involved in football.  It was approaching nine o’clock and Bonnie came into the office and gave me a look over and said that she believed I looked better at that moment and I told her that I felt good with no pain. 

I then suggested that if I woke up the next morning feeling well that we should go take a drive in the mountains and see if there were any fall colors remaining on the trees.  We had not made it up on the mountain tops for the past couple of years so I believed it would be a fun day trip for the girls and us too.  Bonnie said that she was going to bed and I told her that it would be a bit before I would be heading that way and that I might just stay up and watch another game before coming to bed.  I ended up just keeping track of the score of the game that was on the television via the net; remember the net was still in its young stage at this time and was not apt to have live video of games at this time.

It was now late in the evening and I was not seeing a friendly score on the screen so I decided to get to bed.  I began the slow process of turning off the computer when I had a slight pain run through my chest, nothing severe but it did once again get my attention.  But this time there was something different, after the pain left I actually felt better.  It is very hard to explain but it was like I was able to take a deep breath after I had lung goobers for a while.  It was like a relaxation about my chest, a breath of fresh air, and any other metaphor that a person could use about feeling better.  A sat there in my chair waiting for the computer to finish its thing and I continued to sit there and try to examine my insides and see if this feeling would go away.  As the moments passed I realized that this “good” feeling was not going to leave so I turned off the computer and the office light and headed down the hall to the bedroom.

I made a quick visit to the restroom as I was heading towards the bedroom.  Nothing exciting occurred during this time and everything came out mighty fine.  After I completed my task, I continued to make my way towards the bed without making too much noise.  The room was dark and coming immediately from two lighted rooms my eyes were not adjusted to the dark conditions so my footsteps were slow and very close to each other.  I had made this trek many times before but I always had to factor in the kid scenario which meant the possibility of toys or some other objects present on the floor for me to step on.  The little girls loved to play in our bedroom, which we adored and wanted them to feel free in this activity, but their cleaning up process lacked in thoroughness sometimes.

As I approached the bed I said a scenically quick prayer of thankfulness for my safe passage through the bedroom to the bed all the while ridding myself of my house clothes and then locating the top comforter and slowly pulling it back.  As I did this I saw movement in the middle of the bed which I immediately knew was Bear who had decided to sleep in the bed with us that night instead of underneath the bed like normal.  He was not much of a bed hog to me, but he always kept close to Bonnie which proved to be an interesting scene some nights.  I pulled back the sheet and got into the bed and pulled the covers back over me and took a deep breath.  My mind once again did a complete inside evaluation of my chest and found that I was still feeling great.  I heard no noises coming from Bonnie and I did not try and let her know of the situation, it would wait till morning.  I turned on my stomach as always and went right to sleep and had a restful night’s sleep.

As I look back upon this time I realize how blind I was towards what the signs and symptoms were in my life.  May warning signs occurred those two days and I ignored each and every one of them.  Yes, I knew that there could be something wrong but I continued to rationalize things in my mind and telling myself that it was nothing to be concerned with and the things that I knew to be true about heart attacks was not happening in my chest.  Even though my best friend knew that something was wrong and even the family pet could sense that things were not right, I continually over rid their concerns to concentrate on my own denial.

Now, how many times do we do this with God?  We know all of the circumstances and scenes about God and His beckoning on our lives but we continually over ride His voice and make our own decisions about our life.  His voice is constantly trying to get our attention of our surroundings and the things that we are going to face if we do not change our ways.  But we adamantly ignore His warnings and press forward on our paths of denial which leads us further away from His voice and protection.  God will continue His plea for our lives but He will not stop time and continue to deny our will.  Sometimes we humans have to just pee on that electric fence even though we have been warned not to do it.

DLB

Part IX to follow….

Heart Condition Part VII

Heart Condition Part VII

5/31/12

As the morning progressed the list of errands began to grow so we decided to go to town and get that portion of the day completed.  The girls were loaded up in the van and buckled into their seats.  I really did not feel like going to town, not because of my health but I just did not want to see anyone.  I get this feeling on occasion but for the most part I like to be around people and to see what is going on in the big metropolis of Delta.  Keep in mind that the city of Delta has grown considerably since I moved here in 1992 and for the most part the town has not been the best place to do any real shopping and a trip to another town would be in order to complete this task.  We made a few stops in town and then contemplated on going to Junction to complete our list but for some reason we decided to return back home for the day.  On the way back to the house I received my first question concerning my health which I could proudly still say that I was not hurting.

When we arrived back home I helped with the bags of things into the house.  I placed them on the table so that everyone could divvy their own goods accordingly and proceed to place them in their appropriate places.  As I found my things I started to the office when a slight twinge of pain reminded me that I was not out of the woods yet.  The pain came and went and I quickly turned to see if anyone noticed my hesitation which I realized that everyone was still engrossed in grabbing their items and no one noticed the event.  I walked into the office and placed my things on the floor and sat down in the chair and began to turn the computer on when I noticed Bonnie standing at the doorway.  She looked at me and then turned and headed for one of the bedrooms; I felt like a person who was under constant surveillance and rightly so looking back at things.

We had to do some things outside to clean up the garden since the growing season was over with the freeze that had occurred a few evenings before.  Living out in the country we would enjoy the cool evenings during the summer but when fall began to arrive, our area was usually one of the first areas to freeze.  I still am amazed when I remember walking around the property how one spot would actually feel warmer than another and where our garden was it seemed to be cooler most of the time.  The end of the make-shift ditch to the irrigation ditch had to be sealed with dirt so that no other water could get to the frozen plants.  Pulling up the plants usually took a couple of days to complete.  Our garden was usually a large one that sprawled over the entire area that we called the front yard which was all dirt; the only yard we had was a very small back yard that was enclosed by a white picket fence.

We began to pull up the plants in the garden which was always a difficult chore to do since it meant that we had given up on saving the plants at night and that our canning process for the year was over.  I did not participate in the canning adventures when I was a kid and with me living in the south most of my growing up days I had plenty of opportunities to watch and learn.  But as I was older and had realized the importance of canning I became very fond of the process and really enjoyed helping out as much as possible, which I still do today.  The plants meant a lot to us as we had great pride in our garden even though we were totally novices at our labors.  The plants provided many fresh vegetables for us throughout the summer months and it was so satisfying to eat food that all of us knew exactly where it came from. 

Pulling the plants by hand was a time consuming project since we had to pull the plant, shake the remaining dirt from the roots that was hanging on and then transporting the plants to the burn pile or to the dumpster.  It was not a very complicated or technical detail but it was something that had to be done so that the front yard would not look tacky during the winter months, plus it would allow for more moisture to seep into the ground when or if we received any rain during the fall.  All during the pulling party I was not in any type of pain and the numerous times that Bonnie stopped me and asked that famous question of hers I could honestly say that I had no pain.  However, she did not ask me how I was feeling so that part of the issue stayed hidden within me.  I felt ok but there was something about my inner physical self that I could not explain but I knew was something was not right, in addition to the fact that I was still tired and my energy level had not returned after eating and walking around town a bit.

The plant pulling session ended and we stopped to take a look at the empty garden.  Both Bonnie and I felt like the garden was a success for that year and in some ways we were almost ready to start another one next week.  We talked a bit about the plans for next year’s garden and how that we wanted to expand the garden some and add a few other vegetables that we had not incorporated yet.  The garden conversation ended and we both turned towards the house and as I took my first step a dull pain shot through my chest and took hold for a few seconds.  The pain was not sharp by any means but it did get my mind’s attention since this pain mimicked the pain on the previous night.  I could feel my blood pressure and tension rising within my body, but as before I kept my mouth shut.

Not much activity was noted for the day.  I sat at the computer for most of the afternoon trying to mind my own business and stay out of trouble.  Bonnie would cruise by my office and look at me as she passed by, I did not look in her direction but from my peripheral vision I could see exactly what she was doing.  So, after one of her passes I got up from the chair and closed the office door so that the next time she passed by she would not be able to see in the office.  I quietly sat back down and waited to see what her reaction would be, which came pretty quickly when she went back through the living room.  She pushed open the door and said “snot” and turned and walked away. I laughed a bit as she turned but she had no answers or other remarks at that time.

As the afternoon progressed I continued my web searching and just relaxing as much as possible.  I had tried my best to ignore the uncomfortable sensation I was beginning to feel in my chest.  I changed positions in the chair and the uncomfortable feeling would subside, but it would eventually find its way back inside my body a few minutes later.  After about thirty minutes or so I was beginning to realize that I was running out of sitting positions since none of the previous positions that I had tried was now relieving the sensation.  So, I did the next best thing and I stood up and continued my surfing the net.  About this time Bonnie strolled back by and saw me standing at the computer and of course she stopped and said you are hurting aren’t you and I honestly replied with “just uncomfortable”.

As my words left my mouth and entered into Bonnie’s ears I could sense her blood pressure rising.  I sheepishly stated that I noticed that she did not look that great and then immediately asked if she needed to go to the emergency room to see what was going on to make her blood pressure rise so quickly, Bonnie still did not find my humor in the situation funny at all.  I hardheadedly sat back down in my chair and continued to surf the net for a few minutes longer and of course as soon as I got situated the uneasy feeling returned inside of my chest and this time it stayed with me, no matter what sitting position I tried.

After a while I could hear Bonnie beginning to make dinner but she had not asked me what sounded good to me so I knew that my luck was running out with her patience and that I had to do something to try and stay on the edge of her good fortunes.  I walked into the kitchen and pulled out a table chair and sat down and asked her to turn around for a moment.  She stopped chopping and looked at me and I immediately began by telling her that if I continued to feel this way after dinner then I would go to the emergency room willingly and would not put up a fuss.  She pointed the knife at me and said do you promise?  And I replied yes I promise.  She then turned back around and continued chopping.  Her actions confirmed my suspicions that she was totally fed up with me and that she was refusing any further nonsense from my mouth.

I slowly got up from the kitchen chair I was sitting in and began to return to the living room where I promptly sat down on the couch and was immediately joined by Bear who came up next to me and curled up close to me.  He placed his snout on my leg and looked up at me with a look that only he could give which continued the assault on my stubbornness.  Bonnie soon joined me in the living room and said that the only reason she was not happy was the fact that she wanted me to see a physician about my pain and that I should do it now and not wait till it is too late.  She also stated that I had four girls to think about and how they would feel if I had the opportunity to get something fixed before a serious condition had the chance to run its course.  I once again stated that if I continued to feel bad that I would go to the emergency room and wait no longer.

It may seem like I am dragging this out a bit but in truth I am not.  This is exactly how I acted towards my condition and as my story continues you will see that the situation only gets worse.

DLB

Part VIII to follow….

The Allowance of Doors Part I

The Allowance of Doors Part I

5/30/12

Humans have always desired to have a permanent fixture that they could call their own.  Our bodies represent a fixture that allows us to function normally, and houses represent the places where we call home and other buildings hide us away for our daily work duties.  All of the structures have one thing in common, doors.  Doors are the source that allows us to enter these complexes and the means to leave in a similar manner through the exact way of entering.  Our personal lives have doors as well which represent the exact same concepts, with these concepts possibly altering our lives and the ones we love and to take things a step further our spirits also have doors which allow access to our inner being which need naught be intimidated by our enemy.

Man has always had the desire to reside, work or congregate in a fixed setting.  Even though humans like to move around and see different settings we have a habit of returning to a certain place to settle in for an undisturbed amount of time.  Over the centuries there have been many views on permanent structures and it is hard to consider fixed or permanent structures as not being a positive concept but these structures do have their drawbacks and can pose as targets to people who do not care for our existence.  One area of a structure that is common with all other structures, fixed or mobile is the door.

Doors have been mentioned in almost every reference of historical places and stem all the way back to Mesopotamia times.  Doors are considered to be the means by which people come in and out of a place of residence.  In ancient times doors might have been a simple wooden swing or even a long sheet that covered an entrance.  The door might have been only a small entrance in which the person had to bend over to enter or the door might have not even been rectangular in shape, it could have been round or square.  No matter what the size or shape of the door it represented the acceptable means of entry into that specific society.  Nomadic tribes lived in tents which usually had some type of opening to the inside of the living quarters.  Even though these were tent dwelling people their systematic living capabilities were of a strong portion of their endurance in subduing the land.

As humans became less nomadic in their adventures small communities began to spring up and be developed.  In many ancient cities walls became the prominent means of defense against invading enemies but while the walls provided security there still had to be an opening created so that the people had a method to enter and leave the city.  Gates had to be made within the walls so that this procession of people could be possible and without these passages the city itself would suffocate itself within a matter of time.  Gates were heavily fortified since it posed as a weakness to the defensive stance within a wall it also had to be large enough so that masses of people, soldiers, animals or goods could move through at any given time under any circumstance. 

Once a person had entered through the main gate or a main gate of that city they had the option to enter many other doors that were present within that city.  Many ancient city walls housed their officials, common people and even businesses with doors leading down long hallways or into individual houses, again easily accessed once inside the main city gates.  All types of business were conducted through these doors and inside these areas, both legal and illegal.  The walls were not the only place where business of the city took place the outer open areas of the city were often crowded with people milling about and just completing everyday human practices.  No matter what activity was being completed anyone who had access to the inner city had to come through a gate, no matter if it was by a natural door or one that was created by an invading enemy.

We have all watched movies where a group’s enemy has attacked a fort, city, or camp.  There is usually some kind of gate that defines the camp in which all things enter and leave.  But when an enemy attacks it will do so no matter where they deem the weak point of the defensive system is located.  If you read history and understand the art of siege, you will understand that an enemy will take a very long time in selecting its targets for penetration.  An enemy will not haphazardly advance upon a target without first making sure what the probability of successful penetration will be into the target.  We also read that many siege situations the attacking enemy will continually launch some type of bombardment to weaken the defenses of the city and if all possible weaken the defenses so that an alternate route into the city is possible.

As time advanced villages, towns and cities have developed more the concept of openness when it comes to these places.  Some of the ancient cities that still remain have the old walls present but they are not used in defensive methods as in the past.  They are seen more as decorations or memorials of times past.  We even see modern doors that are decorated with elaborate designs on them and represent showmanship rather than hospitality.  These doors still represent the means of entrance into specific buildings but have lessened the importance of their meaning.  Glass doors are a popular theme in these modern times, which are easily accessible by breaking the glass and walking on into the building.  I could give many more examples but now is not the time for it is my intent to try and explain that we as humans have these same types of entrance ways into our lives that the enemy wishes to penetrate and destroy.

Let us look at what is behind a door.  Stop and think about this for a moment.  Depending upon which door is accessed the content of the room behind the door could be of no great importance or something of great value to us that we cannot imagine a price tag on the items, or so we think.  That unimportant closet item that we deem unnecessary can be the tool that our enemy uses to gain access to other areas within our building.  No matter what the structure is, to someone that structure holds an importance to their lives and something inside that structure has proven to be of value to them.

I am reminded of the old movie “Home Alone” where the burglars arrive at the house dressed up as policeman and “warning” the people about the potential of them being robbed.  The occupants of the house inform the office that they will be leaving for the holidays and no one will be around for a set amount of time.  While the occupants believed that they were giving the proper information to the authorities the enemy had penetrated into the outer court of the house and had established vital information concerning the house.  The information passed along was a good idea but the enemy had disguised himself well enough that to the average and relaxed eye nothing seemed out of the norm.  This is an example of how our enemy penetrates our lives and gains so called unimportant information from us.

Doors provide stability and strength to the structure.  I have seen many houses and buildings that have been destroyed by storms or earthquakes and one thing that most of these buildings have in common is that the doorway of that structure is still standing after the storm is over.  Looking at some old church buildings from other countries in which the entire church has suffered damage, the old archway of the door still remains standing and accessible in and out.  I find this phenomenon very fascinating since a doorway or entry way is the focal point of an attack but is usually left standing after the damage has been done.

Since the physical structures have doors then we can safely contend that we as humans have some type of door that leads into our lives.  Everyone who has been associated with western civilization has at one time in their lives seen a picture of Jesus standing at a door and knocking.  We all who have seen this portrait understand its message either by attending church, seeing the picture and asking about its meaning or by just figuring it out on our own.  

Doors have very special meanings in our lives since they are the key in which we allow ourselves be accessed, just as the physical structures.  The same set of circumstances occur when our doors are attacked spiritually but in many of our cases we tend to miss these attacks until access has already been gained or in other cases we have voluntarily opened these doors to our enemies and ten stand in shock when they actually come in and destroy our inner most beings.  It is easy for us to figure out that if houses, buildings and malls have doors that lead to inner shops then our inner beings have the same type of structure.

I am not going to leave myself out of this category since it deals with a very sensitive subject.  I have allowed these doors to be penetrated during my life, all of us have.  Ever since I have learned about this concept I have been on a constant “search and destroy mission” trying to close all of the doors that are open to my enemy.  It is a very large process since once that door is opened it takes a great deal of searching in order to close the effects that the open door has allowed inside.  See, there are many doors that are within our life and many of them the majority of people do not know about, and to be honest we ourselves do not understand.  Doors come with us due to the spiritual nature that we are born with which is a very important reason to know and understand your heritage no matter what the circumstances are in your life.  Many traits that lie within us are targets for our enemy to use against us and if we open that door then you can bet your bottom dollar that he will take advantage of the intelligence.

For all of us old folks we can remember a game show called “Let’s Make A Deal”.  It was a show where people would dress up in funny costumes and sit in the audience and wait for the host to come by and notice them.    When this happened the host would ask a few general questions about the person and then ask if they wanted to play the game.  Deals were the name of the game and it was everyone’s expectations to find out what was behind one of the three doors, which whatever was behind the door that they picked was exactly what their prize was going to be.  Goats, pigs, cheese, cars, cash, and boats were the common prizes but also mud, trash and other disgusting items were there as well but it was theirs because they chose that door.

I find it funny and sad at the same time of people who cry foul when things occur to them and when you ask a few simple questions it becomes clear that they have allowed this situation to present itself by their own accord.  They ask for help in understanding the situation and then, when a certain person begins to try and show them the ways that it happened they react in a non friendly manner towards that person and tells them to go away with their advice.  We see this activity every day in our lives and it is even being promoted in the media and on the daily television shows that we watch with bated breath.  Stop and think about this for a moment, or even longer and look at the results that this sort of activity will have upon our children; or if I can put it another way, a door for our children.

DLB

Part II to follow….

Heart Condition Part VI

Heart Condition Part VI

5/26/12

Bonnie was still unamused at my lightheartedness concerning the situation but it was the only way I knew to make light of the future possibilities which I knew about but really was interested in thinking about them on a constant basis.  She stopped and turned around and returned back into the kitchen and my anxiety level dropped about 50%.  I understood the implications of the moment and I wanted her to know that I was not totally insane and to comfort her in the fact that I too was concerned about my condition; but in the back of my head I continued to ignore the threat of any doctor visit and in my opinion I was fine.

I quietly walked towards the kitchen and kind of peeked my head around the corner in a non confronting manner for I knew that Bonnie would be close by since the sound and smell of eggs frying on the stove filled the air.  I took a quick glimpse at the eggs and then focused my eyes on Bonnie who was standing about two feet from me with a metal spatula in her hand and a look on her face that she was prepared to use the spatula on me instead of the eggs.  I promptly smiled and said something to the effect of “ I can see you are busy so I will come back later” and then slowly backed away and went into the office, all the while Bonnie was stating “good idea” to my back.

The office is not that far from the kitchen in fact you can see what is going on in the kitchen from where the office chair usually was placed.  In a moderate and calm voice I said to Bonnie that I was concerned about my health as well in which I received no immediate response.  However, a few seconds later she appeared at the office door, with the spatula still in her hand, and asked me “what did you say?”  I knew good and well that she heard me but I was in no position to argue so I repeated myself.  After I made the statement the turned around and walked back into the kitchen.  I sat in my chair and debated if I should go into the kitchen and continue the subject matter, I thought against it and let the moment pass along.

Bonnie approached the office doorway a few moments later and announced that “breakfast was ready hardhead”. I had no idea of to whom she was referring but I reluctantly got up from my chair and went to the office doorway and looked both ways before I walked out into the path of other Bishop family members.  I had to keep in mind that even though the girls really did not understand what was going on they still knew that mom was not happy with dad and that it was dad’s fault that mom was upset so I had to watch my back from all parties within the house.

We all sat down at the table and I immediately tried to lighten the mood by asking if we were going to do anything that day, hoping that the girls would suggest to go up in the mountains or go somewhere out of the house.  Not much was said verbally but all of the eyes on me told me that not many people were interested in what I had to say so I took the hands on either side of me and bowed my head and listened to one of the girls pray over breakfast.  Not much was said for a while since everyone eventually had food in their mouths.  Breakfast went by pretty quickly and the girls cleaned up after themselves and asked if they could go out and play.  I wanted so much to tell them “no” since that would mean that I would be left alone with Bonnie which would mean more questions that I did not want to answer.  But I said no problem and off they went to get dressed so that they could go outside.

Not much else was discussed between Bonnie and I since we had mutually agreed that we would not do much that day and just stay in town and get some errands completed.  Before I got up from the table bonnie asked me how I was feeling ever since I had been up and eaten and I really had no pain in my body but I was just tired and felt like I had no energy.  I had the quick thought of more coffee could help so I continued my motion of getting up from the table and I walked over to the coffee pot.  That was when I received the sarcastic question of “you think more coffee is going to help?”  In which I promptly and sarcastically replied “yep”.

As I started out of the kitchen the girls ran by me with Bear trailing them all headed outside.  Bear was not moving as quickly as the girls were but his intentions were very clear so they had to hold the door for him as he waddled out.  The door closed normally for the girls’ actions and I continued my course towards the office.  As I sat back down in my chair my mind began to wonder about the possibility of me having a heart attack.  This is when my mind took over and a very dangerous thought came into my head that I grabbed a hold of and held onto it as long as I possibly could.

I sat in my chair and I thought that if I had a heart attack that there would be no way that I could have a major one since it would be my first one.  This was the idea that was the dangerous one and at the time I thought of it I actually accepted the fact that this would probably be the way things would occur if it were to happen.  Now, this was totally absurd thinking on my part and I knew it but brushed it aside and it not logical for anyone to think about a major issue in their life.  I knew this from being in the medical field, reading many articles on the subject and seeing many people dying from this scene in the past.  But placing myself in a younger age category would save me from a disastrous scenario and if I had a heart attack that I would recover from it with no problems.  At this time I had no idea of my medical history in which if I had known it, being the person that I am would have not done anything differently.

The ironic portion of this time setting was that I had been involved in witnessing a few horrendous trauma situations at the hospital and some of these traumas involved young people and some not even out of high school.  So even though I sat there and believed that nothing serious would come about from a personal and possible heart attack, I was actually placing myself into the same category of thought that these dead kids had in their heads the minute that they walked out of their houses for the last time.  My pride stance was bigger and more influential than ever and I was not about to let that part of me, the truth, be portrayed.

At this point I am going to interject a concept here before I move on to the next event of the day.  Most of the young people in the world have a notion of believing that nothing serious will ever happen to them.  This is a feeling that all people have in one point in their lives but it is dominant in the younger mindset. It does not have to be a isolated to the western culture either, I have read about this demeanor in young people throughout the world and it will not change, it is actually a part of human nature to believe this concept and up to a point it is a good character to have since it allows for the human to accomplish many things; however, when this belief becomes the center piece of a human it becomes dangerous since it takes off the blinders or governors and entices the person to think that they can do anything without any physical consequence occurring.  We also must keep in mind that these consequences may not directly affect ourselves but our actions may have grave consequences on another person’s life, up to and including death.

It is very important that each one of us knows that we are not guaranteed tomorrow on this earth and for all we know we may only have a few minutes remaining.  We all must remember that our lives are not infallible and that we make decisions on a continual basis that will affect our lives for the rest of our lives.  That is why it is so important that we understand that God loves us and wants us to know Him in every way possible and that if anything should happen to us that we would be prepared to meet Him.  Restore your faith, belief and trust in God and He will show you the way back to your roots.  He will lighten your load and free your heart to resume the spiritual communication lines with Him.

I kept this philosophy quiet within the confines of my head because if I would have told anyone about it they would have came unglued.  It was a preposterous idea and should have been immediately discarded from my thinking based on my medical knowledge alone.  But I continued with it and then continued my daily computer searching all the while inside my body a huge clump of junk was gathering in one of my main arteries and just about ready to get to a large enough size that the entire artery would be plugged.  The human body cannot feel a potentially damaging substance that is going to adversely affect their body until the object has already been placed where the damage will be done, it is a function of the body that is most fascinating but of no help right before the event occurs.

DLB

Part VII to follow….

Heart Condition Part V

Heart Condition Part V

5/23/12

I must have been really exhausted that night because even though I could still sense the frustration in Bonnie’s spirit I actually did have a restful night’s sleep.  I was awakened by the usual sound of Bear whining at the end of the bed wanting to make a trip outside.  I knew that it was not late in the morning because if that was the case Bear would have already been up on the bed letting us know the urgency of the moment.  I got up from the bed and Bear immediately turned and headed for the back door.  I walked to the back door and opened it and Bear trotted out into the back yard and began his routine.  I shut the screen and wooden doors and started back towards the kitchen.  It was at this moment that I realized I felt tired like I had been up all night, a memory from all of the nights on call some years before.

I began to search my thoughts about crazy dreams or getting up during the night but I remembered nothing of the sort.  I stopped in the kitchen and got me a glass of water and drank most of it before Bear began the second half of his routine which was to whine and scratch on the screen door wanting back inside.  I put the glass down into the sink and went back to the door and let him inside and he trotted by me and then made a pit stop at his water dish, replenishing the same amount of water he had just drained from his bladder a few minutes before.  He hacks a bit as he finished drinking and then waddled back into the girl’s bedroom to make sure that they were ok.  Instead of him going back under our bed he then came back into the living room where I had just sat down still trying to figure out why I was so tired.

Of course I was doing my best to ignore the important developments of the previous night but I could not think of anything else that could warrant my present physical condition.  Bear came up to the couch and jumped up on the opposite side of the couch and slowly walked towards me.  I looked down at him and he had the same weird look on his face as the previous night.  I guess whatever animals can sense about humans was still at work in his mind and he was doing his best to let me know something was not right.  By that time Bonnie had gotten up and was walking down the hall and looked into the living room and saw me sitting there with Bear and of course the first thing she said was “are you hurting?” and I told her that I was not hurting but I was tired.  As she turned to go into the bathroom she said that I looked terrible.

I got up off of the couch and headed into the office which was just a few steps away from the couch.  Bear jumped down and followed me half way to the office where he stopped and sat at the door and just stared at me while I fired up the computer.  I looked at him and quickly told him to stop staring at me and to go back to bed if he was going to join sides with Bonnie.  He continued to sit there for a few more minutes and then got up and went over to his bowl of food and got a few nibbles and carried them to the rug and ate them very noisily.  He then strolled towards the bedroom giving a small grunt and sneeze as he made the journey.  Bonnie came into the office and asked what was going on and wondered if I had slept well.  I said I was fine but tired for some reason and then she informed me that I snored a lot that night and it was loud enough that it woke her up a couple of times.  She said that she had told me to roll over, which I did and stopped snoring for a bit but soon afterwards I was at it again.  I looked at her and said that I did not remember her telling me this but it could be the explanation that I needed for being tired.

Bonnie ten asked what we were going to do that day and since it was the beginning of October and the garden season had just ended we were “free to do much not of anything”, as we would say sometimes.  So, she headed to take a shower and told me to behave myself while I was not in her sight.  I grinned and turned my head back to the computer to continue my surfing the net and to find out what the world was trying to do to itself.  I got up to go to the kitchen and to start a pot of coffee and while I was turning away from the computer I felt a small pain run through the center of my chest which I attributed to the quick turning movement from the chair which once again placed the idea of a pulled muscle in the forefront of my thoughts.  The pain did not stop my movement nor did it deter me from my quest for a cup of coffee and by the time I had reached the kitchen the pain had ceased and I continued my planned activity.

Bonnie came in after her shower and just looked at me, didn’t say a word.  Until, I said “what”? And that was when she said that she could tell I was in pain again.  Which I was not accurate but I had to keep my promise and tell her that I had a small pain just as I was getting up from the chair to start the coffee.  She shook her head and turned and walked away back into the living room.  I knew she was upset but I continued to try and reassure her that I was ok.  She looked at me and said that we were not going to do anything that day because she did not want me out in public and then drop over dead in front of everyone.  She made her point with that phrase so I politely left the room and went in the bathroom to take my shower.

When I take my showers I very rarely use any cold water, I have always liked a very hot shower even in the south during the summer I would have steam rolling from under the bathroom door.  The water felt good to my body and especially on my chest and back.  I stood in those two positions for as long as possible after the soap and shampoo show had been completed, it felt wonderful.  I did not get out of the shower until the hot water was turning cold in which I turned off the water and began my location of my towel. 

Our shower door did not have a towel rack on it so we had to keep our towels on the back of the toilet so we would not have to get out of the shower wet and then get chilled.  AS I bent over to get my towel a sharp pain ran across my chest but this time it was on the left side of my chest and not in the center.  It was not deep but it was different than the other pains in the center of my chest in the fact it tapered away instead of just stopping all at once, this puzzled me and worried me at the same time.  I also noticed that I was a little bit out of breath after I began to towel off that was a first as well.  As I continued my drying process I could hear someone in the kitchen banging things around in which the word “food” popped into my head which made me hurry the drying process.

I opened the door of the bathroom and met a milder room of air and another pain on the left side of my chest hit me, but this time it was a bit stronger and lasted for about twenty seconds or so before it began to taper off as the last one did.  Bonnie looked around the corner from the kitchen and asked what I wanted for breakfast and at that moment I realized that I was really not very hungry, which if anyone knows me that thought hardly occurs in my body.  I said it does not matter but don’t fix me too much and that was when I received the are you feeling ok question again and to keep my promise I told her what had happened in the shower and just a few seconds before.  I was kind of frightened since when I stated that, she started towards me with a pan in her hand, so I had to think about all possibilities of her actions at that moment.

DLB

Part VI to follow….

Heart Condition Part IV

Heart Condition IV

5/21/12

With my comments to Bonnie concerning the issues that needed to be discussed, I wanted to go jump back in the van and lock it before she could open the door and immediately go for my jugular but I was not that lucky and that fast either and in my opinion some of us could not take a joke.  I closed the van door and locked the remaining doors on the van with the electronic key thingy and proceeded, with caution, towards the back door of the house.  I knew I had to go by Bonnie at close range to unlock the back door and as I did I wanted to know how come some person had not invented an electronic key opening thingy for back doors.

Not much was said until all the girls were in their beds which only took a few minutes.  The inevitable discussion took place on the couch and lasted for some time.  Bonnie was wanting to know why I was avoiding the idea that something seriously be wrong and I was acting like it was no big deal.  She brought up the fact that in my career I had witness many people having heart attacks in front of my eyes and that not every one of them follow a set pattern; she used my own words against me.  I tried my best to explain to her that he pains that I had were not the classic symptoms of a person trying to have or in the process of having a heart attack and that I would be having other pains around my body that would give more merit to the claim.  Plus, I would look very ridiculous if I checked myself into the emergency room and then find out it was a gas bubble due to the fact of what I had eaten for the last few days.

Bonnie’s side of the conversation did not waiver at all and she was insistent that I get a doctor’s appointment as soon as possible because she was concerned for my health, then she told me that I looked terrible and that she knew something was going on that was not right.  She also said that she did not care what I thought about the situation and that if I did not agree to go to the doctor that she would call up there and tell the nurses in the office what was going on with me.  At this point there was not much I could say so I turned to look at Bear for a bit.  Even Bear was looking at me in a funny manner, an almost scared look to be exact, which I have known that animals can have a sense about humans and other natural occurrences before people realize what is happening.  Bear, my trusted compatriot and faithful friend sold me out with his unusual looks towards my direction, which Bonnie ever so cleverly pointed out as well.

After a few minutes of sitting there and realizing that she was not going to let go of this event, I once again agreed that if I had any major pain in my chest that I would immediately go to the emergency room and that if it was during regular business hours I would call the doctor’s office and make an appointment.  At this time Bonnie added a few things and changed her mind about the agreement, which the additions were no big deal and were givens but the thing she changed was that if I was hurting during the business day that I would call the doctor’s office and speak with a nurse and tell them everything that was going on inside my body.  She was getting wise to my scheme so once again I shut my mouth and said ok I promise.

The second part of the lecture began with my responsibility to my family and to my girls that needed me around.  This statement struck a chord within my mind and I mulled an answer over before I spoke, which at that point no matter what answer I gave would be a correct one since she had involved the kid’s issue.  She continued on with hardheadedness issues and how I was not thinking about anyone else but myself, and more specifically my pride.  When I did not respond to this statement after a few moments she asked what I was thinking and I said the wrong thing which was “I don’t know”.  She stood up and said that I had made my promises to her and that she would hold me to them, which I verbally agreed to once again.

At this point I continued to sit on the couch and try to think about my pain again and what type of pain it was.  Up until now, it was only like a surface pain or a pain that was close to the surface of my chest, nothing deep like I had read about and heard from many patients.  No belt feeling around the chest tightening as time went along, and no pain in my jaw or left arm.  I did throw out the idea that I could one of those that present with no symptoms or irregular symptoms but my pride swelled again and said that I was not capable of being in that category.  Bear continued to sit with me on the couch and occasionally look over at me with a concerned look about his face, give a sigh and then place his head back down on the couch again.

Bonnie had brought some important issues concerning my beliefs about my health.  Up to that point I had no clue about my family history when it came to my biological familial health affairs, and at this point in my life I had no reason to believe anything major was to be done.  I knew that my cholesterol was high and that my weight gain was not helping matters any but I was feeling fine and there was no need to alert the troops in my mind.  I also thought about the conversation that I just had with one of the family physicians about my cholesterol level and she actually gave me some samples to try to see what effect they would have on my levels, and during our conversation she reminded me of the recent death of one of our colleagues and how he refused to deal with the same conditions.

With all of the information I had at my disposal and he unknown family history and the knowledge of my own blood chemistry levels I should be a bit more cautious about my health.  So I really did want to do the right thing and I made up my mind that if anything else should happen in the pain category I would go and see a doctor, in other words I would play another round of roulette with my life.  After thinking about things in my head for a while I decided to join Bonnie in the bed.  I was tired but at the moment, and for some time I was pain free and ready to get some sleep.  My mind did its usual thing and performing its end of the day thought process of everything that it had witnessed that day.  It had many things to process and it continued to try and think of alternative health processes that I could be experiencing, but in the back of my mind everything continued to point in one direction but I made up my mind to loiter on this cardiovascular possibility.

DLB

Part V coming….