Heart Condition Part XVI

Heart Condition Part XVI

6/30/12

As in everything that happens there is a time where all warnings and signals cease and the true event begins to unfold.  It does not matter how much reasoning and belief you have in your surroundings or in society or the things that it stands for, in all things the negotiating time does run out and it is the human that has to endure the wrath of the inadequacies that we put our trust into.  In this case it was my heart and the conditions that it was telling me in which I ignored and even though the hand of God was (and still is) on my life He did allow this event to take place to wake me up and to realize some things about Him and what He has planned for my life.

As lunch time approached I began to feel hungry but it was an unusual hunger and a feeling that to this day I cannot explain.  I was hungry but it was an inner pain as well which at the same time made it feel like I had the stomach flu but this was not how I felt it is the only way that I can explain this feeling, which is not even close to what that feeling actually was, understand?  Anyway, lunch was vastly approaching and Bonnie rang once again to let me know that she was on her way home a tad early which was great.  All I had to do was to get out all of the sandwich meat and the corresponding condiments out of the refrigerator.  First came out was the sandwich meat which was located in the crisper at the bottom of the refrigerator.  I bent over and opened the drawer and retrieved the meat and then closed the drawer before I stood back up and then turned around and placed it on the table.

While holding onto the refrigerator door I turned back around and began my search for the condiments which were usually kept in the refrigerator door.  I had to bend over and get the mustard since it was on the bottom of the door which I accomplished with ease and I then rose up and began to turn around when a sharp pain instantly came from deep within my chest.  This pain was different in the fact that it was deep and the pain was different than any other type I had ever experienced.  It was intense enough that I dropped the mustard container onto the floor and in the same motion my hand went up to my chest, like that was going to stop the pain.  As I continued to stand in that one spot the pain went away but slowly this time and not immediate as in most of the other instances.

I then opened up the refrigerator door again which had shut since I had let go of it and continued my search for the other condiments that we were going to need.  Another dull ache presented itself that was located in my upper left shoulder area and it did not go away for a while, as in a few minutes.  With the combination of the two pains within a few minutes I honored my commitment to Bonnie and I began to dial the doctor’s office.  I was not even sure that I was going to reach anyone since it was actually lunch time and most of the time they did not answer their phones.  The receptionist did answer and I told her who I was and then asked if I could talk to the nurse.  I was put on hold for a few seconds and then she answered with a concerned voice.

I told her what was going on and how I was feeling and what type of pain I was having.  I said that I needed to see someone if at all possible.  Knowing me and the fact that if I said I was hurting and not doing well, I was telling the truth she put me on hold for a few more seconds.  She then returned and told me to be in the office at 1230 and that my doctor would see me.  I then hung up the phone and continued to set the table for lunch.  Within a few minutes I had everything ready on the table so that no time would be wasted after Bonnie came home. 

Bonnie arrived just a few seconds after I completed the table setting and she immediately came into the houses.  I was sitting at the table when she came through the door.  She took one look at me and she knew something was not right not that the first words out of her mouth were “you are hurting again aren’t you” gave her away or anything.  I told her yes and then she asked if I had called the doctor’s office and I told her yeas and that I had an appointment at 1230.  She looked at me and then said that she had to return back to work and let everyone know what was going on and give a message to another person.  She looked at the clock and both of knew that it would give us enough time for her to complete this task and return for me. 

She asked if I was ok for her to leave for a few minutes and that she would be right back.  I said yes because right at that moment I was not hurting.  Bonnie turned and left out the back door and soon afterwards I heard the van pull out of the drive.  The large window in the kitchen verified that sound as I sat and watched the van pull onto the highway.  I sat in the chair at the table for a few more minutes and then I knew I had to get some better clothes on before I left the house.  So I stood up and then looked at the things on the table but left them there and began to walk out of the kitchen.

I got out of the kitchen and headed to the bedroom to change.  I got about three steps out of the kitchen and a very sharp and penetrating pain shot through my entire chest.  This pain actually dropped me to my knees right in the middle of the floor.  I stayed there on the floor for a few minutes anticipating the ease of the pain, which did not come anytime soon.  While I was still hurting I realized that I had begun to sweat and not from the heat of the fireplace that was in the area, in fact the fireplace was already cold.  The pain in my chest was not easing but I knew I could not stay in this position and that I had to get up.  My mind began to think about what to do and at this point I was not arguing if this was a heart attack or not, I knew I was in trouble.

I got up off the floor and turned towards the couch.  I saw Bear sitting on the opposite side of the couch just looking at me with a very concerned look about his face.  I sat on the end of the couch still clutching my chest with my left hand.  My mind continued to race and I then came to the conclusion that I needed to do something to try and end the pain.  I then thought about taking aspirin and tried to remember where it was.  Simple medications have a habit of walking away from their normal and appropriate places in our house, so I was hoping that they were where they were supposed to be.  I sat there for a few more seconds which seemed more like an eternity and started to get up when Bear finally made it over to my side of the couch.  I stopped my progress and allowed him to sit next to me.  I petted him for a few moments but I knew I had to do something because the pain was not easing at all.  Sweat continued to form on my forehead and my skin became clammy which I knew was a sign of a heart attack.  I became a bit confused with all that was occurring at once but as I sat there on the couch I did my best to keep my head and think. 

I got up off of the couch in a very slow and controlled manner and as I stood up I immediately felt another blast of pain on top of the pain already present which then brought a wave of nausea over me.  I knew I did not have much time before I threw up so instead of finding the aspirin I headed towards the bathroom.  Since I was alone there was no waiting for access to the toilet which was somewhat of a relief at the time.  I got into the bathroom and raised the lid to the toilet and promptly threw up.  I had not eaten too much all morning so there was not much to throw up but it was the motion of the process that counted towards my symptoms.  After I completed the throwing up task I rose slowly and immediately felt better.

After I was confident enough that I was finished throwing up I stood up and wiped my mouth on my towel that was hanging on the shower sliding door.  I then took a look at myself in the bathroom mirror and realized that I did not look good at all.  I stood there for a second and finally came to the conclusion that I had missed so many symptoms of what was really going on and admitted to myself that I had a serious problem going on inside me.  I then turned on warm water and washed my face to get rid of the “residue” and then turned off the water before I began to dry my face in my towel.  I kept my face in the towel for a few seconds after I had finished drying it and thought about what going to happen next.

I took my face out of the towel and remembered that I had to get some aspirin in me as quick as possible.  I took a quick survey of myself and realized that I was not dizzy and that I had strength to walk so I began to head out of the bathroom.  As I began to leave the bathroom the pain in my chest began to ease which kind of confused me since for the previous few moments each movement I made added to the pain but I did not stand around to see if things changed.  I turned off the light as I left the bathroom and continued very slowly towards the kitchen all the while hoping that the aspirin was in its designated place.  I passed Bear on the couch as he was sitting in the same spot where he was when I left.  He was just looking at me and not making a sound.  My slow and steady steps eventually led me into the kitchen area.

Individuals and being an individual is just that, meaning alone or unique in many things when compared to others.  There is a reason that God has made us in this manner because it reflects on His creativity and how He understands humanity in such a manner that we cannot comprehend.  But with this single made human comes a complexity that is roughly explained throughout the person’s life which allows us to understand our purpose in our existence.  Those who understand that there is a God and that He loves us will have the opportunity to realize this purpose and live our purpose through Him towards others.  You are real and God is real and everything that you encounter in your life has a reason, even in your death it serves as a purpose for others.  Your life represents that same purpose and that is why it is imperative that we submit our desires and needs to God so that He can show us our purpose.

Our individuality also comes in the ways that God tries to get our attention concerning things.  It does not matter if these situations are good things or bad things but what is most important is that we have our spiritual communication lines open enough so that we can hear what God is saying to us.  He wants to show us things both in the physical and in the spiritual worlds but in order for Him to accomplish this feat we must have our eyes and ears open to Him.  So even though we may have the same general characteristics as other humans our inner beings are like no other in this world and how God chooses to get our attention may be similar to others but when you dissect the situation many differences will be noticed. 

DLB

Part XVII to follow…..

Heart Condition Part XV

Heart Condition Part XV

6/29/12

As I stood and watched the girls drive away I wondered what the day would bring since this would be my first time alone after my pains had begun.  At that moment I really did not believe anything major would happen since nothing had transpired over the last few days.  I turned and took a glimpse of the Grand Mesa for a bit and then made my way to the pear tree that was close to the corner of the house.  The tree had scads of pears on it and all of them were ripe and ready to be picked.  For the most part pears are usually ok until the first hard freeze of the year and will stay in this condition until something happens with them.  We usually did not do too much with the pears and we missed a great opportunity with not turning them into some type of food for our family.

I stood underneath the pear tree for a bit and continued my gaze towards the Mesa.  It was a nice clear and crisp morning and with the sun rising from the east it made for a lovely site to watch for a while.  As I stood in my spot under the tree I began to smell the wood in the fireplace which also provided another reason why I liked this area of the country.  After a short while I turned around and headed back towards the back gate.  My neighbor next to us was leaving to go to town and was pulling out of his drive when I began to approach the gate.  I waved at him as I opened the back gate.  Bear was sitting at the gate watching my movements and then got up when the gate opened.  He turned and went towards the door and was almost there by the time I had the gate closed.

I reached the door and Bear was right at the screen and I actually had to tell him to move so I could open the thing and of course he took his time in moving.  I opened the screen and he stepped down into the floor of the house and then continued on into the living room.  I went through and closed the screen door behind me along with the door.  I went into the back bathroom and spent a few minutes in there.  Nothing surprising happened while I was in there and everything came out ok once again.  I then walked into the living room and began to check on the fire again.  I did not want too much of a fire since the daytime temperature would warm enough to heat the house naturally.  So I stirred the wood around for a bit and then closed the doors to the insert.

I walked over to the couch and sat down for a bit.  Bear jumped up on the couch and sat right next to me.  I petted him and talked to him for a few seconds, just as any human would do with a close pet.  Bear and I went back a long ways and had been through many trials together.  Even though he could not talk to me it always seemed like he understood what I was saying and was always there when I needed company.  We lost Bear the winter before we moved into our current house and to this day I still miss his presence in the house.

As I was sitting on the couch a thought occurred to me, what if something serious actually happened to me when no one was around?  It was a scenario that I had not thought about before cause someone had been around me the entire time I had off of work.  As I began to ponder this thought serious questions began to run through my head about things after I was gone, and what would happen to everyone if I was not around any longer.  To be honest these thoughts were horrifying to me but I also knew that if something did happen and I was no longer around there would not be much I could do about it.

I then started thinking about my pains again and what kind of pattern they had and I could not come up with any logical pattern to justify them representing chest pains from a person who had a heart condition.  The pains that I incurred had no definitive pattern and quickly went away, none of them stayed for any length of time and also did not follow any patterns that I had read about or even heard about in all my years of medical experience.  So with this conception in my head I came to the conclusion that the pains were due to something else and that if they persisted I would go to the doctor and pursue their origins.  I looked at the clock on the wall and realized that I had been contemplating these thoughts for about thirty minutes and that it was time to get off the couch and get cleaned up.

I got up from the couch and as I did Bear gave me this odd look like “where are you going?” and then put his head back down as I began to move away from the couch.  I walked across the floor and went into the bathroom.  Since I was the only one in the house and I knew the Monday routines of everyone in the family I did not close the bathroom door.  I opened the bathtub sliding door and bent over to turn the water on for a nice hot shower.  As I began to raise up the same type of dizziness as earlier that morning came over me but this time it was when I was raising up and not turning around.  I grabbed onto the sliding door handle and stood there for a few seconds and the feeling went away.  I slowly sat down on the toilet and kind of gathered my thoughts, took a quick survey of my condition and realized that no pain was there and I decided that I was safe to stand up and continue.

I took my clothes off and turned towards the bathtub and once again grabbed the sliding door handle and slid it open and proceeded to enter into the tube with the streaming hot water.  The hot water felt good to my skin which it always did because I loved taking a very hot shower, as do I continue this practice to this day.  No other major events occurred during the shower and after all movements were completed I bent over and turned the water and shower control knob off.  I then reached for the sliding bar and opened the door and reached around and retrieved my towel.  I then closed the shower door again to keep as much warm air in the bath tub until I had dried off; kind of funny since I am a person who loves the cold weather.  I finished drying off and then opened the shower door for the last time and stepped out onto the rug that lined the base of the tub.  I then stepped on the toilet and dried my lower legs off.

I wrapped my towel around my waist and then picked up my clothes and then headed out of the bathroom and towards the bedroom.  I then placed my clothes on the bed and got into my chest drawers and began the process of getting my lounge clothes on for the day.  When this task was completed I then took my towel and walked back into the bathroom and promptly hung it up in its rightful place.  I turned and opened the drawer and got out my brush and began to brush my wet hair into place.  Brushing my teeth came next, which was another part of my daily morning routine after all the natives left the proverbial tepee.  Most of these personal tasks would be impossible for me to complete if the girls had still been there and begin the only male human in the tepee I was quickly outnumbered so my voice in the matter was ignored by the majority.

As my bathroom tasks were completed I believed that I would grab some more coffee before I returned to the office and the computer setting procedures.  I went into the kitchen and as I was getting my coffee cup from the table the thought of my pains and my new symptom of dizziness crossed my mind.  The dizziness kind of concerned me since I knew that could mean that not enough oxygen was getting from my lungs to my body so I did the next natural thing, which was to take a deep breath and test out the theory.  Boy did that breath of air feel good and as I released the contents of my lungs outward no pain was present and no dizziness came over my body either.  Another opportunity to get things checked out before the actual event had occurred because after that “test” I did not think about my symptoms much more.

I brought my coffee cup into the office and set it down on its usual resting place.  I moved the mouse which took off the screen saver and my background automatically appeared.  All of my internet icons were present and I then proceeded to click on the one that would gain me access to the net.  As the sound of the computer was connecting I waited for a few seconds and then my “homepage” showed up as usual.  At this time my fascination with history was ever growing but it was mainly confined to Central America and since my family and I had been to that part of the world its history was the focal point of my reading at that time.

We did not have any fancy printer at this time so every page that I decided to print out took what seemed a lifetime to complete.  The material that I was interested in was about the civil war in el Salvador during the 1980s through to the early 1990s.  There was a website hat had many of the communiqué messages that both sides transmitted during the war.  Of course it was not even close to the accurate amount that was actually given but it was a place for me to start reading and learning more about that terrible situation.  I continued to print the records out that I was interested in reading which would have taken but a few minutes with today’s printers but took almost an hour by the old way of printing standards.

As I sat in my chair and read the messages I began to wonder about the people in the village that dad and I travelled to a couple of years before.  Some of the living conditions I witnessed reminded me of my Haiti trip but other conditions reminded me of the current living conditions I had at the time.  Two worlds collided in that country and both of them were united in a war against each other’s beliefs which over the years had ripped out the hearts of so many of the people.  I paused for a moment in my reading to attend to the printer which was still printing off one page at a time very slowly.  You had to move the tractor paper out of the way ever so often or it would get caught up and then get tangled and when this occurred whoever was there had no choice but to start over.

After all of the pages had printed out I tore the last one off and then continued to read the messages.  I had been on the net for some time so I knew I had to get off and see if anyone had been trying to call.  Modern technology had done its job in connecting the world to everyone but it was still slow in arriving outside the city limits of Delta, Colorado.  About two minutes after I had disconnected from the net the phone rang and I answered it as soon as I reached the phone.  It was Bonnie and when I answered the first thing that she said was that she was surprised that she had gotten through so soon, which meant that this was her first time to try.  Monday’s at the church could be very hectic and many times we would not talk until lunch time.

She began the conversation with that famous question of hers and once again I answered her with the truth that I had no pain at all; however, I left out the dizziness episodes.  The conversation shortly turned to lunch and I looked at my watch and realized that it was getting close to the lunch hour. Bonnie told me that she might be a few minutes late in getting home but it would not be too much longer.  So after a general time setting for lunch was agreed upon we said our goodbyes and hung up.  I looked at my watch again and could not believe that the morning had past so quickly and that the hour would soon approach that I would give up my peaceful tranquility and return to my workplace.  I enjoyed my alone time during the mornings since the moment I entered into the work building the serene feelings of mine would immediately be met with the hustle and bustle of people needing results.  This was not a bad thing I enjoy my job to its fullest and that feeling shall never change.

For all of us who like to be alone or like to have meaningful moments by ourselves, we operate in a different manner that the masses occupy.  But even though we might believe that this solo position is a good thing we must continue to be diligent in keeping our eyes and ears open and focused on the true direction.  It is easier for us to lose this edge and to hide within ourselves and stay safe within our own worlds.  Yes, we have our families and our social groups but what I am talking about is our inner begins and that which we listen to and see.  It is this corner of our lives that we must keep in contact with God and what He is trying to show us.  It is also easy for us to ignore the “outer” senses that are warning us that something is not right and that we need to pay attention to our surroundings.

This is God’s way of showing us that He is still with us and even though He allows us to have our individual quirks He is still in control and desires to protect us from all harm.  We must not be so caught up in our own private inner world that we miss His voice and the signs that He gives us.  There is only one “me” and that “me” must remind “me” on a constant basis that it is special and important to not only “me” but to the others that God wants “me” to be around.  Even though I might wrap myself in the luxury of being alone, there is still a war going on for my spirit and if I isolate myself physically and spiritually then I am an easy target for the enemy, whether I am doing God’s work or not.

DLB

Part XVI to follow……

Heart Condition Part XIV

Heart Condition Part XIV

6/27/12

My night’s rest ended abruptly when the alarm went off signaling it was time to get out of bed and get the girls ready for their day.  I laid in bed for just a few seconds until Bear had moved enough for me to get out without flipping him onto the other side of the bed.  As he sat on the edge of the bed he looked back at me with that curious look on his face once again and then as Bonnie picked him up off the bed and put him on the ground he scampered out of the room and headed to complete his morning business.  As he was leaving the room I realized that he was not up at his usual time and that he did not sit and stare at one of us until we woke up which was usually before our alarm sounded.  I tossed this thought aside and crawled out of bed and began to look for my slippers.

With all of the hustling and other racket going on in the house reality set in and told each one of us that playtime was over and it was now back to our regularly scheduled program in which school and work dictated our every movement.  I went into the bathroom and sat on the toilet for a few moments.  My mind began to think about the weekend and how I considered it to be basically pain-free and further padded my belief that nothing was seriously wrong.  A knock on the door broke my train of thought followed by the words of “how long are you going to be in there”?  I said that I was almost done and would be out in a few minutes.  My thoughts returned to my possible problem and I continued to mull over the options that I wished to think about.

My five minute morning bathroom time was used up and the natives were letting me know in their own ways that I no longer belonged in that area and that my eviction was imminent if I did not vacate right then and now.  I was already washing my hands and opened the door only to be rushed by incoming girls, they did not even give me time to get out of the way.  Brushes and other hair supplies flew out of the bathroom so fast that I believed I heard the sound barrier break.  They certainly had no time for dad or what he was doing their goals were determined and sites set and I was not going to stand in their way.  So, on this front everything seemed to be in order and normal.  I passed the fireplace insert and opened it and took the poker from its stand and then rearranged the coals.  I saw that they were still red underneath so I placed a few logs into the area and then closed the doors to the insert.  I then placed the poker back into its stand and walked towards the kitchen.

As the rush of girls came pouring into the bathroom the smell of breakfast cooking in the kitchen began to infiltrate the area as well.  Breakfast on a school morning was always interesting in which there was hardly ever a time that all of us actually sat down together and began breakfast, ate breakfast and ended breakfast at the same time.  Bekkah was usually the first one at the table and was “starving” and always wanted mom to hurry up.  Tatem would eventually join us as the last installment to the table but at some point all of us were located in our appropriate places but as soon as whomever finished first, they were gone to continue the getting ready process.  I made one of my common snide comments to Bekkah concerning that if she would slow down when she ate that she could actually taste her food and that she might enjoy it better to which I received no response as she looked at me when she left the kitchen.  It was a wonderful routine that we had each weekday morning and I would have had it any other way.  I am not going to mention Bear in this portion but his place at the table was next to me sitting on his hind legs looking like a furry Buddha waiting for a handout of food, see he thought he was starving as well.  It was a chaotic scene but it was a time that I had to see all of my girls and nothing could take that away.

Most of the time all of the girls had left the table before Bonnie and I had an opportunity to sit down and discuss the plans for the day and coming evening, which this particular morning was one of those times.  We began to discuss what was happening and what we were going to eat for dinner and spoke about a few bills that needed to be paid, in other words just normal talk between the adults in the house.  We finished eating and placed the plates into the sink and then rinsed them and set them to dry.  I would take care of them at some part of the morning after they dried. 

I left the kitchen and walked into the hall to go to the office when I heard the sound of water running in the bathroom which was both the little girls trying to brush their teeth at the same time.  This made me smile as I began to go into the office knowing that in about five minutes that it would be time for me to go out and start the van so the engine would be warm and so the inside of the van as well.  I did not have many jobs to complete during the morning rush hour at the house but when I was asked to do something I tried my best to get it done as soon as possible.

I sat in my chair and found the on/off button on the computer.  I pushed the button and the computer began its startup procedures.  High speed internet was not available where we lived so only the dial up speed was accessible so it was a common thing to turn off the computer at our house each night.  I watched the words, dots and other patterns go down the screen and then the main screen came up.  My background picture appeared and the computer’s “brain” was just a rolling right along doing its normal thing.  I looked at my watch and realized it was time for the van to be started so I got out of my chair and headed to find Bonnie’s keys.  We will not address the key situation at this time but just know that the process can be comical and frustrating at the same time.

I located the keys and began my walk to the back door.  Bear followed me seeing that it was another opportune time for him to go outside and see what the back yard was offering.  Plus, each time he heard keys jingling he thought it might be an opportunity for him to go somewhere.  I opened the back door and then the screen it was not that cold so I did not shut either one of them.  I then reached the back gate and opened it and made sure Bear was no where around as I walked out of the yard.  I did close the gate door since Bear was an opportunist when it came to getting out of the backyard.

I pushed the automatic key button and unlocked the van doors.  If I did not unlock all doors at this time I would forget about it and then it would be promptly brought to my attention when I went out with Bonnie to make sure all was ok inside the van.  I opened the driver’s side door and got into the seat and put the key into the ignition.  I turned the key and the van started right up as usual.  I turned down the radio to a dull roar and then I turned on the heat so that the temperature would be somewhat warmer when everyone arrived.  I then jumped out of the driver’s seat and then shut the door.  As I walked around the front of the van it sounded great and it looked like everything was going on as schedule.  I opened the back gate again and saw Bear at the gate waiting for me to return.  I came through the gate and then closed it behind me.  Bear walked in front of me and went back into the house before I did.  I then shut the screen door and back door behind me as I entered into the house.

I went into the kitchen and saw Bekkah waiting at the table and I asked her if she was ready to go to Marla’s, she said yes and asked if she could go to the van.  I said wait for your sister and then you guys could go out, fully knowing that neither one of the little girls could open any of the van doors since they were too small.  Tatem was almost finished brushing her teeth when Rachel arrived in the kitchen.  These two loved going to Marla’s and it was a blessing for us to have Marla as a Christian option for their preschool years and the girls learned so much during that period of time as well.

Tatem finished brushing her teeth and gathered her things that were on the couch.  I was still standing in the kitchen with the two little girls when Tatem said she was ready.  Those words prompted another furious motion towards the back door.  I loudly asked the girls if they were forgetting something and they both looked at me with the “I have no clue what you are babbling about old man” look on their faces until I mentioned a kiss.  They then both ran back to me and gave me their daily kisses and then stormed out the door without looking back.  Bonnie had her coat on and was gathering her other things as Tatem left the house.

As Bonnie and I were heading towards the door she asked me if I had been hurting at all and once again I could honestly tell her that I was not and had not been hurting.  Yet, even though I was telling her the truth I was not giving her the entire information either which I really couldn’t do that since I had no idea what exactly was going on inside my heart.  Bonnie told me that I looked terrible and that my color was not as it should have been.  I asked her to describe it and she said I looked pale and almost a green color.  I found that comment odd but continued towards the door.  Bonnie then asked me if I remembered my promise about any chest pain and I responded “yes I did”.

I walked Bonnie out to the van. Bear came out with us and went immediately to the yard to look around for whatever dogs look for.  I opened the gate and noticed that the girls were all ready for me to shut the sliding door.  I went over to the sliding door and told them that I loved them and I hoped they had a great day.  I then turned to Tatem who was in the passenger seat and told her the exam same thing and to remember to buckle up.  I closed the sliding door in one motion and then turned to walk towards the driver’s side with Bonnie.  As I turned to walk a weird sensation came over me it almost made me have the feeling of being dizzy but at the same time I was not dizzy at all.  I kind of made a quick facial expression and then immediately looked around to see if anyone saw what had happened.  I then placed my feet in front of me and walked around the front of the van without any pain or other balance problems.  I went to the driver’s door and shut it firmly.  Bonnie rolled down the window and began to tell me quietly about my promise.  I nodded and then she gave me that look that she gives me when she doesn’t believe my answer in which I returned quickly by saying I promise.  She rolled the window up as I stepped back from the van.  She put the van in drive and pulled forward and made the circle out to the long driveway that led to the road into Delta.  I stood and waved as they turned on the road.

All of us have said at one point in time that we can only live one day at a time.  While this statement is a fact there comes a point during that day of ours that we might not get past, so instead of living one day at a time we might want to reclassify that saying to we only can live one moment to the next.  God has His own timing for everything and for the most part we have no clue of His methods or ideologies for our lives.  All we know is that His love for us allows us to live our life by our own means and we have the opportunity to make personal choices for just about anything.  Governments can control our mouths and where we might go but no government can control what is in our heart and what our heart stands for on a daily basis.

God does recognize this aspect of our hearts but there comes a time that He knows when to let other circumstances present themselves in our lives in such a manner that is a little bit more pointed to get our attention.  He also knows our heart well enough to say your time has ended or it is time for a directional change or even hey, I am trying to tell you something.  Whatever the circumstance may be God is in complete control of your life whether you believe it or not or whether you know it or not.  God is….God and I am not.  So, He has to get our attention in various ways so that we can understand and fulfill His plan and purpose for our lives.  Some of us listen more closely than others which is also a human trait J

DLB

Part XV to follow……

Heart Condition Part XIII

Heart Condition Part XIII

6/27/12

As we approached Cedaredge the remnants of the festival was still visible on each side of the street.  Many of the venders had closed up shop and were placing their remaining items into various vehicles, essentially cleaning up and heading home until next year.  Some people were still hanging around and having conversations along the sidewalks but for the most part and by catching a quick glimpse it would have seemed that the festival was a success.  As previously stated we had decided not to attend the festival this year and to be honest we really have not attended that particular festival very often, which is another shame on my part since the festival can be added to the many options of beauty that this State has to offer and I have refused.

Many road signs warned of us possible children at play and even saw one that said to be watchful of animals suddenly crossing the road.  Small town festivals have always been an interesting concept of mine in that it brings out the actual life of the town which can be represented as the heart of the town which is what makes that particular town thrive and sets it apart from every other town in the area.  As we slowly drove down Main Street we decided to stop in at one of the popular shops and get some apple cider to keep in the refrigerator for a while.  All of us like apple cider and since we are from the area we have a prejudice that the local cider is the best.  After a few minutes in the store we all climbed back into the van and continued our trek towards home.

As we left Cedaredge Bonnie asked how I was feeling and I turned and said that I was feeling great and that I had no pain all day and that I was hardly tired at all.  I then asked her how I looked and she responded that I did look ok but however I looked tired.  The usually short fifteen minute drive from Cedaredge to Delta is a pretty one but some of the time you get behind some people that are driving way too slow for highway speed and frustration can arise.  We had come upon a long line of cars and at that moment we were the last vehicle in line which we soon gave that title to others that approached from the rear.  The short drive lasted almost twenty minutes to the intersection of Highway 92 and then a short four lane stretch back into Delta.

We crossed town and began to climb the small mesa that would lead us back to our pink house that sat close to the side of the road.  As we approached the house I asked everyone if they had a good time and everyone was in agreement that it was a great day and that we should do this more often.  We pulled into our dirt driveway and I parked the van close to the back gate behind the house.  The young girls quickly unbuckled themselves from their seats and began to open the sliding door of the van.  Bear had woke up and realized that we were home and a renewed energy came over him, he was ready to get out and be back at home.  I sat in the van for a second and looked around to see if I could carry anything inside.  Not much was left since we did not take too many things up with us.  Tatem got out wand then closed the sliding door behind her, Bonnie was already out with Bear and both were already in the back yard.  I opened my door and jumped down pain free and closed the door behind me.  A click was almost immediately heard when I pressed the electronic lock and I walked to the gate went through it and closed it behind me.

As the back door to the house opened we were greeted with the familiar confines of our house which even though we had a wonderful day it is always nice to be back in your own home.  We put our things in their respective places and then began to prepare for the start of the week.  The girls had school, preschool and other places to be the next day so all bits and pieces had to be accounted for before the morning came.  Tatem headed to the bathroom to take a shower and Bonnie and I headed to our bedroom to take off the excess clothes.  I finished first and walked into the living room and sat down on the couch.  Bear met me and jumped up next to me and laid down, he still looked at me in an unusual way but I ignored it as he placed his head on the couch.

I sat on the couch and thought about the trip that we had just taken and how much it actually meant for us to have spent the day together.  Since school started, and all other times of the year to be honest, we did not spend as much time together as a family and when I realized that I was truly upset with myself and told myself that that work, work, work mentality had to stop and that my family deserved to have me in their life more.  But, it was not at this time that I actually put that plan into motion in fact when Bonnie came around the corner and asked me what I was going to wear for work on Monday those thoughts flew right out of my head.

The other side of the picture which I knew about but really did not believe applied to me includes the fact that people with heart problems should not be engaging any activity in high altitudes.  Humans with undiagnosed heart problems are especially at risk when they enter into these conditions.  Ever since moving to this beautiful state I have had the experience of working on many hunters from the South who come up to the high altitude and have major heart attacks or die because of they did not realize the presence of their underlying heart condition.  Even if they do not have a heart condition others find themselves in the same situation due to the effects that high altitudes take away their functional oxygen levels simply because the air is thinner at these levels than at lower elevations.  I have mentioned this before but it is worthy of repeating once again.

Then you take my problem in which I continually ignored all of the small symptoms and then totally denied other symptoms and went up into high altitudes and having one of the best days of my life, kind of ironic don’t you think?  The heart muscle needs every bit of the oxygen molecules that surrounds the heart’s environment it gets used to this level of oxygen and then responds accordingly.  So if you take this supply of oxygen away from the heart, even for a few seconds the danger of something happening to this environment increases proportionally and completes the damage many times without the person knowing it which is exactly what occurred in my situation.  The decision for us to take a small day trip to the mountains was really a good idea but in the long run my insides reaped the damage that would soon appear.

Not many events occurred that Sunday evening it was pretty quiet in the household.  Bonnie was completing the laundry for the girls and making sure that all of their things were around for school in the morning.  Dinner was nice and as usual a family affair.  I continued to feel good with no pain and really arrived at the point where I was beginning to place the entire situation into the back of my head and moving forward with the workweek.  After the girls got put into their respective beds the older kiddo and we adults settled into the evening.  It was chilly outside so it was time to build a fire for the overnight heat.  This time of the year it was still warm enough during the day to not have a fire but in the evenings the temperature would drop to below freezing some nights and this night was one of those nights.

It took me a bit to get the fire started but it eventually lit and began to burn.  The smell of wood smoke in the house was always a wonderful smell to me.  Growing up in the south we did not have too many opportunities to build a fire but we did enjoy them when they came around.  Bonnie on the other hand was raised with wood heat and basically froze when she was subjected to gas heat.  I loved to build the fire and watch it grow in the insert that we had.  The crackling of the wood and the warmth that it provided to the house cannot be accurately described but as delightful.  We usually burned pinion and cedar for the most part which would always keep the house quite toasty.

After the fire was properly started and producing some heat, a few minutes of television was next on the agenda.  Since the next day was going to be busy and an early one not much sitting up would be done by Bonnie, but we watched a few programs and then watched the first portion of the news and decided to go to bed.  I usually stayed up later than Bonnie since I worked evenings and I could return to bed if I chose to after everyone else had left for the day but as the evening continued I found myself becoming more tired than normal so all of the older people in the house went to bed at approximately the same time.

As we were preparing to get into the bed I noticed that Bear was sitting at the end of the bed staring at me.  I looked down at him and asked him what the matter was and he just continued to stare and not move too much.  At first I thought he was not feeling well or that he was tired but as soon as I bent over to pick him up he became his normal wiggly self in his anticipation of getting to sleep in the bed with us.  However, he did not take his normal position at the foot of the bed but instead he plopped down right next to my pillow and did not move.  When I got into bed he moved down to my side and basically remained there for the remainder of the night.  As the light went off Bonnie asked me how I was feeling and at that point I had no pain but I was very tired.

As I look back on things I remember that God has a funny way of letting people know that things are not “right in their world”.  In this case it was my dog Bear.  He noticed something about me that sent an uneasy feeling to him and as far as we can know it was something that he understood about my inner begin that I failed or ignored to recognize.  God is an amazing character in which our finite minds will never grasp His concepts but one thing is for certain, His love for us endures throughout all trials and circumstances both the ones we can see and the ones that we cannot see.  His Word tell us that He is a forgiving God and one who wishes for us to be restored back into communion with Him.  I have many more things to share concerning my heart story which will eventually include a second part of my heart condition, but for now I will proceed with this specific event in my life.

DLB

Part XIV to follow….

What You Say, Keep True

What You Say Keep True

6/21/12

We have all come into contact with a person or group that has given out information and then in some manner not followed through with the information that was proclaimed.  Promises have been broken, handshakes violated and many other situations that have fallen apart after an agreement had been reached.  This brokenness is a common theme now-a-days and believing and relying upon another person’s word is ever more in doubt.   Humans, place others in precarious situations when plans or agreements fall through and it is easy to become disillusioned towards people when we get burned a couple of times.  It is very important for us to keep our words true when striking important chords with other people.  It is also important that we do not make it a habit of providing empty words because it might just come back to haunt us one day.

We have all heard of the many stories in our history concerning between the white man and the Native Americans.  It can be agreed upon that many different untruths were told by the government and also many agreements were not kept amongst the Native Americans.  Who was right and who was wrong is not the focus of this message but it is the source of the matter that takes center stage which is the words that one side said to the other.  Each side had their own personal agendas for the words that they declared but at some point there had to be some truth in those words to the other.  And at what point did the words become tainted enough to harbor such hate for the other fueled into a long war that cost many lives.  Someone had to speak an untruth which came to pass which began a downhill trend that led to bloodshed.

I recently watched an older movie in which this subject was addressed, not of the war between the government and the Native Americans but a series of words that almost led to a heartbreak between two people.  The main characters of the movie are well known and they played roles that spoke volumes to those that saw the movie, or at least it should have since everyone of us have been placed into a situation of believing another person’s words. 

A promise was made to the lady from the guy that she had met under some rotten circumstances.  Neither one of these people dated too much nor had they been out in the social scene within the big city.  The girl was a shy lady who had a female friend convinced her of going on a blind date which she reluctantly accepted but wanted to get out of the house.  The couples were to meet at a club and have an evening of dinner and dancing.  When the girl arrived with her friend they met up with the girls at the entrance of the club and it was obvious from the beginning that this girl was not appealing to her date.  In fact, another girl passed by and he struck up a conversation with her and began his duty of finding a reason to leave her for the other girl.  Her date even tried to pay for another guy to sit with her while he left.

Enter our hero who went to the club on the same night alone.  He had struggled with the idea and after contemplating it decided to go.  He was in the area and heard the conversation of the girl’s date trying to buy another guy to sit with her.  He watched the events unfold and was curious about the girl; he actually liked her and wanted to talk with her.  With the events of the evening the girl was very skeptical of him but agreed to take a walk with him.  The two left the club and began a long walking and talking session that ended up in a small diner late in the evening.  The two began to share personal information about each other and they both relaxed around each other.  The diner owner wanted to close for the evening so they continued their walk to the girl’s house.  After he realized that her house was across town he insisted on riding the bus with her and make sure she arrived to her house safely. 

They spent a few moments outside of her door and it was evident that even though it was late neither one of them wanted the evening to end but they knew that church would call on them early in the morning and that they needed to say goodnight.  Before they parted the guys asked if he could call her the next day after Mass and that they would go out again the following evening for a movie.  After the number was given she opened the door and then turned to say goodnight.  The guy did not leave the porch until the door was shut and locked.

As he walked away from her house he was a different man than before their “date” began earlier that evening.  He had actually asked a girl out for a real date and she said yes, what better way to end an evening.  He rode the bus home on cloud nine and when he arrived at the bus stop he got off and began walking to his house.  Some of his friends saw him and began harassing him about the girl that they saw him with earlier.  He calmly told them that they were wrong about her and that she and he were going to go out again tomorrow evening.  The taunting ended with most of them walking up to another friend that wanted him to join them and that they had a girl that he should meet.

He agreed to meet her while she was in the friend’s car but would not agree to go with them to another place.  The meeting really did not go well since he was not interested in what being offered and made every effort to leave in a hurry.  He scurried off in the direction of his house when his best friend found him and asked him where he had been since he did not show up for their weekly scheduled meeting place.  The guys went into the story about the girl that he had met and how well the evening had gone.  The best friend was not interested in how things went he was more concerned about what their plans were going to be for the next evening.  The guy explained that he would not be going with him because he was going out with the girl.  The best friend could not accept that what the girl had been through and what the guy did, so he left mad and said he would come back by in the morning to see if things had changed.

The next morning came with anticipation from the afternoon phone call that she was going to receive from a guy that she actually believed liked her.  She could not wait till church service was over so that she could hurry home and wait by the phone.  Service could not end soon enough but she sat patiently in service and listened to what was being said by the priest.

The guy was still on cloud nine when he woke up and anticipated the phone call to his new girl.  He did have the lingering thought of his friend coming around and reminding him of their conversation about the afternoon and evening plans, which he did since he was waiting for him to step out of his house to go to church.  To get rid of him he agreed to keep their original plans which would jeopardize his phone call to the girl.  Both guys went to church as always and sat through service just the same. 

When church was over the girl went home anticipating the call and the boy went out with his friend instead of keeping his word to the girl.  See, the meeting with the girl was something that was planned and it meant something to both the guy and the girl.  The so called meeting with the guys was something that was expected but not planned, and event that was continuous; in other words no commitment.

The girl continued to sit at home throughout the afternoon and evening waiting on the call.  She became disappointed and even angry a bit since she had felt like she had been betrayed.  The questions in her mind must have ravaged her stability and probably began to crush her new found confidence.  The guy on the other hand was totally miserable while he was with his friend, in fact they did not even talk much since the friend recognized that the guy was not happy about being there.  The internal conversation inside the guy’s head was torture since he knew he had made the incorrect choice.

Hours past and the girl continued to sit and wait trying to hold out hope for that one ring.  Her family quietly reading in the living room all the while she sat and tried to hide her tears.  The afternoon eventually became the evening and still no word from the guy, all ounce of hope had now departed since it was late in the evening and no guy would dare call at this time of night.  The guy continued his miserable settings until he had finally had enough of the mental guilt that had engulfed his thinking.  He got up and left his friend without saying too much and hurried home as soon as possible, he had to make this situation right and do what his heart wanted.

When he got home he could not wait any longer and he barely said anything to his mother who had greeted him at the door.  He found the girl’s number and picked up the phone to dial.  The girl’s phone rang only one time and she immediately picked up the receiver and the tears of pain turned into tears of relief when she heard his voice on the other side.  He quickly admitted he was wrong in not calling her and asked for her forgiveness.  He also wanted to see her for a few minutes before the evening was done to which she agreed.  His word might have been late but it was true.  He did not make excuses for his in actions but made the choice to bring back into line what was true on his own free will.

To add to this I am going to throw myself into the ring by saying that I have done this same type of act in my past; however, I really did not complete the situation as the guy did in the movie.  I have used this illustration before but I believe it is relevant to this message.

This event happened when my family was leaving Cleveland, Texas and were heading to Hobbs, New Mexico.  The trip and the entire Hobbs story is a book in itself and I will not dwell on the story now but part of it does come into play.  About two weeks before I was leaving for New Mexico, one of the popular girls in school passed me a note in one of the classes we shared.  I had hardly spoken to this girl in my four years in Cleveland and now she passes me a note.  After class I opened the note in the hall and read it and it stated that she had liked me for a while and that even though she knew I was leaving, she wanted me to know this tidbit of information.

I found her again right before school ended and I began to talk to her about the note and I could not help but asking why now?  Why didn’t she say anything to me before about the subject?  I told her that I had asked myself that very question concerning myself about her and why didn’t I asked her out after her and her boyfriend broke up.  Times passed and nothing was said until it was almost too late.  We had a bunch of things to talk about before the two weeks were over and decisions had to be made concerning our hearts.

We had precious little time with each other during those two weeks.  She began to work her Christmas break job and I was packing every day and helping my family out as much as I could which proved to be not much since my mind was elsewhere.  The moments we did share with each other were ones of still asking questions in a hurried fashion since we knew our physical time was being cut short.  I had many questions concerning the separation and so did she it was nerve racking to say the least.  But, we were kids and did not really understand the true meaning of love anyway, but maybe we would find out since we would be tested.

As the date of my departure drew closer the closeness between her and I grew and yet it was a timid fondness since we both knew the truth of the matter, that distance kills teenage relationships quite quickly.  Both of us knew that it would be tough and if it did not work out that it was not meant to be as long as both of us gave our word to the other that we would truly try and make things work.  The promises between the two of us began and other personal information flowed onto pieces of paper.  Addresses and phone numbers exchanged hands along with other family members’ names so that each person in our respective houses would know who we were.

The dreadful day arrived and we were all ready to go off and explore the desert of New Mexico.  We all knew that our departure would be an early one so we had one last opportunity to say our personal goodbyes to each other the night before in a short memorable conversation next to our trucks.  Nothing too fancy just a few moments of tranquility as two friends said goodbye not knowing what the future held for us.  As our truck pulled out of Cleveland my teenage mind could only think of one thing and it was not about the new town that we were heading towards.

As her and I expected our conversations continued almost every day for a while and we actually thought that this might work out for the better.  However, young hearts eventually expressed themselves and she became less exciting to my immediate world.  It was not really another girl but it was all of the other new things that had caught my eye.  It was my first real adventure in the west as a teenage and I found out that there were many things that I had the opportunity to try.  The church had a softball team and they needed players for their second team so I joined that league and making new friends took place as number one in my life.  Since it was winter break it was not that long until school started I was not idle very long.

As time unfolded I found myself thinking less and less of her and paying attention more to the other things that came to my door.  I eventually realized that it had almost been an entire week since I had called her and that she was no longer important enough in my immediate world to give her the courtesy of explaining what I was doing.  Yet, I did not call and end the relationship and after a few weeks of no communication from me all types of acknowledgment from each other ceased.

No communication had been achieved for almost six months and then a big shocker came, our tenure in Hobbs was over and my parents were taking a church in southeast Texas.  A town that was not very far from Cleveland and since we still had our house in Cleveland; it was inevitable that one day we would go back to Cleveland for some reason.  Of course my thoughts immediately said that I would never meet or see her again, which these thoughts were soon proven wrong. 

I remember that mom and dad wanted to go check on the house in Cleveland on a certain weekend.  Just so happens there was some type of church carnival event going on in Cleveland which mom and dad wanted to attend.  People wanted to hear the stories of Hobbs and I knew that many of my friends were going to be there so I thought it was going to be a good idea.  I had no idea that she would be in attendance, but as I look back at the situation now I should have known that there would have been no way she would not attend.

As the evening progressed I continued to notice her and her friends sitting off by themselves no doubted talking about my behavior and how much she could have harmed my physical body for not keeping my promise.  She had every right to think that and she had every right to come up to me and ask what my problem was for not keeping my words to her but she sat and waited for me to complete this task.  She sat there for quite a while which only hardened her heart towards me even more.  Even my friends were asking me if I had talked to her and they also wanted to know what was going on with us.  I was quick to say nothing was going on which they understood but not many of them agreed with my stance of not talking to her.

I eventually gave in and slowly walked over to her.  When her friends saw me coming they all scattered and left us alone to talk.  I said hi and she returned the gesture and then asked me why I stopped calling and writing.  Before I could begin my sentence she asked if I had another girlfriend and I said no.  She did not raise her head up to me very much which I understand now why she did not it was because I had hurt her so much that she could not even look at me, plus my behavior that night made things even more complicated and deepened the wound more.

I cannot say that I did not know what I was doing because I did know.  I just chose to not follow through with the things that I had said to her and then ignored the many opportunities to end things like a man.  Instead, I ended things cowardly with no truth in the matter and it was this action that really hurt her.  Our conversation did not last long and it ended with my half hearted apology to her and with her looking up into my eyes and saying “ok”.  That was the last time that I spoke to her in any capacity.  At the time I believed that I had closed that door and that nothing else would affect me in that way, but what I did not take into account was what she took from the situation and how she responded throughout the course of her lifetime.

Did my actions have an impact on her life?  Looking back at the moment now I can honestly say yes to that question.  To what extent I have no idea and I do not even know if she and I will ever have the opportunity to talk again about those fateful seven months.  I do know that if we ever do get the opportunity to talk I shall give her the apology and the respect that she deserved way back in my teenage years.  I could get slapped, yelled at or ignored, I do not know but she does deserve this from me.  I also know that God has brought this situation to my mind some months ago but He said now is the time to write about it.  I do not know why but I guess it is meant for someone out there in the world.

The old nursery rhyme “Sticks and Stones” says that words can never hurt me and oh so how wrong this rhyme is.  Our words no matter what the situation is can and probably will have some impact on another life at sometime during their lives.  We may never see them again but we should always know that what we say to others do make a mark on them.  Yes we say things when we are young that we do not mean or say things to get our way or not say anything at all to others.  It does not matter what the circumstance may be our words will provide a spark in someone directly or indirectly under those words.

Be wise in your relationships and the words that we chose to say within the confines of these relationships.  Our words are very powerful to others and we should continually keep this in mind when we talk with others.  Most of speak our words before we have an opportunity to form them correctly and then present them to others in a manner to which will be conducive to an accurate measurement of the situation.  And when this occurs then the separation has begun and there is nothing we can do to repair things as they were in the beginning; a solution must be prepared in order to restore order in this relationship.

There is only one way to accomplish this feat and that is to seek help and advice from the one being that knows us the best and that one begin is God.  You look throughout history and you notice that man has tried to fix all of the mistakes that he has made alone.  And in the next chapter of the history book we read about the consequences of those words and how others respond to the attempts of peace.  True peace and true restoration can only come from a pure source and that pure source in not from anything thing man made or any man made plan.

See man really does not know and cannot even conceive of how to repent for his actions, it takes God to transform this process through man.  Repentance comes from the heart and God knows our heart better than anyone else for He created it and knew it even before we were born.  If we knew our hearts then it would not be necessary for us to ask God to search it and to show us our evil ways or our good ways for that matter.  So, given this information only God can truly and completely fix what we messed up with our words.  In order for this to occur, we must allow God to take control of our hearts and to restore it to His standards and bring it back into line with the spiritual communication lines.

We as humans when given the opportunity will mess things up.  It is important for us to understand that our words can be guided if we allow them to be guided by God.  Repentance of our hearts, restoration of our hearts, and true forgiveness towards others is the best way to survive in this life.  Vicious words only serve to divide and hurt and if we continually do this on an individual level it will eventually spill over into our public lives which will then infect an entire community and then effects on greater numbers of people is possible.  Stop the fires of words with God and He will curb the spread of hurt.

DLB